Back on the saddle... again.

As of lately, I’ve realized that I break my low-carbing eating habits when I am not near my house. As hard as I try to continue my diet, I find my will power is incredibly low if a Starbucks frappuccino or a McDonald’s smoothie is sitting right in front of me. Don’t get me wrong, if you’re exercising and eating healthy, those two things are fine to eat, but when you’re low carbing, they are the devil.

A few days ago, I had to drive my parents up two hours north so they could meet with their attorney. I was doing well with my low carbing (that I started up again a few days earlier), and was drinking a lot more water than you should while on a road trip. I brought a few little bags of celery and some jicama too, but upon arrival to our destination, I found myself STARVING. I swear, I went psycho and all I could think about was a nice hot Starbucks with one of their delicious pumpkin bread. That was the end of my low carbing streak. The carb crazy girl inside of me won.

Instead of continuing my low carbing once I got home, or even the next day for that matter, I decided that a big bowl of cereal sounded much better. The next day, fried donuts. The day after that, a tamarind flavored slushy. Note: The "Raspado de Tamarindo" is pictured to the right. Nom nom nom. (That actually sounds fantastic right now! lol) Whatever the food, it sounded BETTER than to low carb.

I’ve always said my boyfriend sabotages my diet by offering me anything he is eating, which is usually not very healthy and full of carbs. Unfortunately though, I am my own worst enemy when it comes down to it. I choose not to put the right foods in my mouth. Because of my insulin resistance and because of PCOS, low carbing quite honestly IS the “right foods.”

So this morning, the first thing I did after brushing my teeth was start planning out my meals for the day. I’m not so worried about tomorrow, but just today. “One day at a time,” I keep telling myself. For breakfast, it was a low carb shake. For lunch, it was faux mashed potatoes (made out of cauliflower. The recipe is linked to the picture down below somewhere.), jalapeno poppers (jalapeno peppers stuffed with cream cheese and wrapped with bacon) and two thin slices of turkey with gravy. I tried to scrape away most of the gravy though, because THAT’S where the carbs are. Also, I’ve drank about 34 oz of water so far, so I still need to keep that up.

It’s funny because I found some old pictures yesterday and I can’t believe the difference in the way I looked. I was about 140 pounds and looked AH-MAY-ZING! I could tell I was at a much happier place there with my body, just by the way I was dressed.

I’m not going to promise that I will keep on this low carb road forever, but most likely until I reach a place where I love my body once more. Then I’ll most likely just eat low fat again, which seems to maintain my weight. That’s always been my master plan, time and time again. But I’m not going to beat myself up today, just try to keep myself on that low carb saddle .

Life goes on...

The last few days have been so exhausting. I've been feeling like I'm getting sick and not eating as I should. I've been eating a lot of fruit, soups and whatever else my boyfriend's been making. I weighed myself this morning and I'm at 185 lbs. Up . some thing or other. I don't know what's gotten into me, but I've been sleeping a lot too. I'm pregnant, just, stressed, sick or whatever.

At night, my body is physically tired but I'm not sleepy. I started taking Nyquil too, because I felt like I was getting sick, then I read that it has 19 carbs in each dose. GREAT!

Needless to say, I haven't been low carbing in about a week or so, so I'm sure that's been affecting my body/mind as well. Low carbing always makes me feel better.

I went shopping yesterday for veggies, and decided to start low carbing again today, but my stomach didn't take to the eggs I made this morning and I decided to slice apples and eat them with oatmeal. I think I'll start tomorrow instead. I think I've reached the end of this love/hate relationship with eggs and it's now a hate/hate relationship! lol I'm about to sit down and plan out a weeks worth of meals. It's always SO much easier when I have everything planned.

Anyways, here's a few of the things I was eating while I was low carbing...

Green olives, cheese sticks, peanuts and cucumbers with chili powder. (Note: I didn't eat the whole thing. I had company and these were the snacks I put out.)

Chicken soup with cabbage, celery, tomatoes, a carrot and zucchini.

Made with chicken broth and water.

Do I really look like THAT?

I remember when I was in my early 20s and thought I was Shamu. I specifically remember a road trip to Texas, where I was so paranoid that my legs and arms were HUGE so I didn'twant anyone to see them. Texas didn't disappoint with it's 90 degree temperatures, but that didn't stop me from wearing a small sweater over my tube top dress. Now that I think about it, if I was thin enough to wear a tube top dress, then I wasn't fat enough to hide my arms and legs! All of my family and friends said I looked wonderful, but in my eyes, I was Jabba the Hut. The picture to the right is on one of the stops on our road trip. I was a size M shirt and probably about a size 9 shorts/pants. Notice that my face is the same color as the rest of my body, not this awful red/rosacea colored. Man, I regret not enjoying myself more.

When I met EJ, my weight had gone up from about 150, to about 160. I didn't feel much different. My face was still clear and I still could wear fairly decent clothes. I started noticing an issue with my tummy around this time though. I didn't care though, I felt so sexy and happy with my curves. I remember that I was still not eating past 6pm here and my eating habits were still pretty good. I loved my body still, but more likely than not, the lights were not "off" during boom boom time.

I remember the day my cousin and I took a trip to Las Vegas. It was hot as hell but I didn't want to wear anything too revealing. After a few hours of walking around and sweating like a hog, I decided to wrap the sweater I was wearing around my waist and say, "Forget it!" I weighed in about 175-180 here. By this time, the rosacea had crept in and my eating habits were just plain awful. I still tried to dress nicely, but I wasn't wearing anything too sexy or too form fitting. Lights "on" during boom boom was not an option anymore.

This group of pictures are just plain awful. The one to the far left is the result of me stopping my partying, no more dancing, going out and having fun. I began to stay home more and eat. My choices were not so healthy anymore. :( That was probably the highest I ever got, 199. I don't even remember being in the 180s! The middle picture was of when I went with EJ to the beach. I can't believe that I didn't want to show my arms during my trip to Texas (first picture) but I was willing to take it all off here. I probably weighed in at about 195. I can't really tell because it really feels like a memory, jumping from the 160s to the 190s. The last picture is me, probably still around the low 190s. I cut my head off because I looked more than enthused in the picture.

Okay, so finding a recent full body picture of me is damn near impossible now a days. This is one that's pretty recent, at least a few months old though, but it looks like I'm where I am now. I might have skipped the 180s before, but it's where I find myself at now. I weighed in today (although my real weigh-in is on Tuesday) and I came in at 184.6. 5 pounds away from the 170s... yeaaahhh!! I really dislike my body now, lights off during boom boom and now, EJ has to leave the room while I change because I don't like my body AT ALL. I'm at war with it. I'm more at war with it now than when I was in the 190s because I've been stuck here for a while now. My face is a constant shade of red, I'm breaking out a lot more too. I just recently started low carbing again, but my eating habits depend on my mood, which is not good since lately I've been so tired and overwhelmed. I'm just at an all around bad spot right now. I've noticed now that I've developed a somewhat rather ugly double chin now too, that hides and turns into a turkey neck. Yes. I'm critical of myself. Stretch-marks, jiggling, and lights off... all are now a part of my life.

So there you have it. My weight journey, with pictures to boot. Usually people put pictures of their weight loss journey, but I haven't gotten there yet. I'm showing pictures of how my body evolved into what it is today. I miss my old body. I miss having self esteem. I miss being able to run up a flight of stairs and not feel like I'm dying when I hit the top.

I have to also mention that I became pregnant twice before, both ending in a miscarriage. With what I know now of PCOS, progesterone deficiency and Metformin, I'm hoping things will end up differently if I become pregnant again. The first time I became pregnant I was about 150, the second around 155. My goal weight is 145 this time around, but I will be setting little goal weights as I go along. My first goal weight for this Tuesday is 182. Tw0 pound to go, which means I would have lost 5 pounds in one week. I'm not sure I can do it, I can try!

Okay, here ends my little post journey for today. I'm motivated but disappointed all the same. I mean, honestly, do I really look like that?! :(

Day 2...

It's been so long since I came on here. So much has happened since then. The biggest being that I went in to see an Endocrinologist and a Dermatologist. Of course, the first thing the Endo did was place me on the birth control pill. The Dermatologist took me off of the prenatals and told me they were the cause of some of the face issues I was having.

I'd like to say that I kept up with my diet and that I'm doing wonderfully, but to be honest, the last few months have been really awful. My mother and baby brother have been in and out of the hospital, I still haven't been able to find a job and because of a situation neither EJ or I can handle, we might have to move within the next few months.

It's been overwhelming and stressful, to say the least.

Monday, I had a very bad experience with a dress. If I tell you the story though, don't laugh at me. Cry, with me. ;)

I went to the thrift store to get out of the house and I found the most beautiful little black dress, with tags still on it. It was a 25 dollar dress for 10. SCORE! It said it was a size 14, so I thought, "OF COURSE THIS WILL FIT ME!" I was so please with my find and almost fainted when I found the exact same dress and size, but in grey! Oh yeah!! "It is my lucky day," I thought to myself, "I found a black leather jacket that fit like a glove (size M which made no sense), and two beautiful work dresses."

When I got home, I pulled off my pants and shirt and reached for the black dress. I didn't even bother to unzip it because well, it was a size 14!! It should just 'slip' right on. As soon as I put it on though, I realized that it was a little snug. After yanking it over my boobs, I realized it was a BIG mistake to try to put the dress on this way.

So, I tugged upwards but the dress wouldn't budge. My boobs and probably my fat too, were holding the dress in place. I didn't know what to do, but kept on pulling upwards. After about 5 minutes of pulling, the burning sensation around the area that was stuck inside the dress was awful. My body and fingers started getting sore and hurting. I felt defeated and threw myself on to the bed, where I had a good cry. With my arms and hands stretched out upwards and my lower half pretty much naked (I was wearing the cutest polka dotted underwear though), I debated on whether I should call my mom over, so she could help me. I just couldn't imagine having her see my naked lower body, all lumpy and white as uncooked chicken.

After a good cry, I decided to go back at the pulling. I managed to roll the dress down and get my fingers under the bottom part of the dress and pull it up over my boobs, very very slowly. Within a few minutes, I was free.

I sat in my room and gave the dress the stink eye. "What happened? It's a size 14?! A SIZE 14!!!!" I just couldn't fathom it. I decided to see how much I weighed after that... 187.6 lbs. UGH.

That day, I decided that I had to go back on a diet, whether I liked it or not. After I stopped the birth control pills (two months ago), I was at 185 lbs. I had actually gained weight (190 lbs.) and then lost 5 pounds. Our first cycle after I got off BCPs was a BFN. This last cycle will probably be a BFN because we only managed to boom boom once, because of the craziness that has been going on here.

I'm suppose to go back to my Endo and my Dermo this month, but I've decided to skip yet another month, to get my weight down. They're going to be SO mad at me, because they both wanted me to be at least 20 pounds thinner after the 3 months on BCPs, and I've gained weight instead.

So for the next few weeks, I decided to low carb. My good old reliable way to lose weight and make my body feel fabulous. I'm ready for it.

Here's my meals so far:

Day 1-

Breakfast: Low carb shake

Lunch: Big salad with cucumbers, mushrooms and spicy italian dressing

Dinner: Two strips of beef ribs and asparagus

Snack: Two low carb shakes, blended with ice and topped with whipped cream

Water: I sucked! 4 of the small water bottles.

Day 2-

Breakfast: 4 egg omelette (I only ate half) with cheddar cheese inside, green beans fried in butter and decaf coffee with Splenda, no milk.

I figured I'll keep at it as long as I can, which is usually about 2-3 weeks. I LOVE fruit, so it's always really difficult for me to continue to low carb.

Anyways, the TTC is pretty much at a standstill because we're so stressed out. I have a feeling that next month will be a lot better than this month, because I'm positive by then I'll be at least 10 pounds thinner and will be able to see both my Endo and Dermo without having to cringe too badly at the scale. I'm also hoping my Endo will put me on Femara, for the Clomid isn't doing anything for me but making me a mega-bitch. :(

I guess that's all for now. Wish me luck!