Do I really look like THAT?

I remember when I was in my early 20s and thought I was Shamu. I specifically remember a road trip to Texas, where I was so paranoid that my legs and arms were HUGE so I didn'twant anyone to see them. Texas didn't disappoint with it's 90 degree temperatures, but that didn't stop me from wearing a small sweater over my tube top dress. Now that I think about it, if I was thin enough to wear a tube top dress, then I wasn't fat enough to hide my arms and legs! All of my family and friends said I looked wonderful, but in my eyes, I was Jabba the Hut. The picture to the right is on one of the stops on our road trip. I was a size M shirt and probably about a size 9 shorts/pants. Notice that my face is the same color as the rest of my body, not this awful red/rosacea colored. Man, I regret not enjoying myself more.

When I met EJ, my weight had gone up from about 150, to about 160. I didn't feel much different. My face was still clear and I still could wear fairly decent clothes. I started noticing an issue with my tummy around this time though. I didn't care though, I felt so sexy and happy with my curves. I remember that I was still not eating past 6pm here and my eating habits were still pretty good. I loved my body still, but more likely than not, the lights were not "off" during boom boom time.

I remember the day my cousin and I took a trip to Las Vegas. It was hot as hell but I didn't want to wear anything too revealing. After a few hours of walking around and sweating like a hog, I decided to wrap the sweater I was wearing around my waist and say, "Forget it!" I weighed in about 175-180 here. By this time, the rosacea had crept in and my eating habits were just plain awful. I still tried to dress nicely, but I wasn't wearing anything too sexy or too form fitting. Lights "on" during boom boom was not an option anymore.

This group of pictures are just plain awful. The one to the far left is the result of me stopping my partying, no more dancing, going out and having fun. I began to stay home more and eat. My choices were not so healthy anymore. :( That was probably the highest I ever got, 199. I don't even remember being in the 180s! The middle picture was of when I went with EJ to the beach. I can't believe that I didn't want to show my arms during my trip to Texas (first picture) but I was willing to take it all off here. I probably weighed in at about 195. I can't really tell because it really feels like a memory, jumping from the 160s to the 190s. The last picture is me, probably still around the low 190s. I cut my head off because I looked more than enthused in the picture.

Okay, so finding a recent full body picture of me is damn near impossible now a days. This is one that's pretty recent, at least a few months old though, but it looks like I'm where I am now. I might have skipped the 180s before, but it's where I find myself at now. I weighed in today (although my real weigh-in is on Tuesday) and I came in at 184.6. 5 pounds away from the 170s... yeaaahhh!! I really dislike my body now, lights off during boom boom and now, EJ has to leave the room while I change because I don't like my body AT ALL. I'm at war with it. I'm more at war with it now than when I was in the 190s because I've been stuck here for a while now. My face is a constant shade of red, I'm breaking out a lot more too. I just recently started low carbing again, but my eating habits depend on my mood, which is not good since lately I've been so tired and overwhelmed. I'm just at an all around bad spot right now. I've noticed now that I've developed a somewhat rather ugly double chin now too, that hides and turns into a turkey neck. Yes. I'm critical of myself. Stretch-marks, jiggling, and lights off... all are now a part of my life.

So there you have it. My weight journey, with pictures to boot. Usually people put pictures of their weight loss journey, but I haven't gotten there yet. I'm showing pictures of how my body evolved into what it is today. I miss my old body. I miss having self esteem. I miss being able to run up a flight of stairs and not feel like I'm dying when I hit the top.

I have to also mention that I became pregnant twice before, both ending in a miscarriage. With what I know now of PCOS, progesterone deficiency and Metformin, I'm hoping things will end up differently if I become pregnant again. The first time I became pregnant I was about 150, the second around 155. My goal weight is 145 this time around, but I will be setting little goal weights as I go along. My first goal weight for this Tuesday is 182. Tw0 pound to go, which means I would have lost 5 pounds in one week. I'm not sure I can do it, I can try!

Okay, here ends my little post journey for today. I'm motivated but disappointed all the same. I mean, honestly, do I really look like that?! :(