Don’t Act Stupid Around The Hormonal Girl…

I finally finished my last pill of Androcur a few days ago and I must say, I can totally see the difference is the amount of stray hairs that grow on my chin. I know, it’s gross, but if you could read my Dr. Rory post, then you’ll be okay.

I remember going to the library while in college and checking out a book on “women of the circus,” for a paper I wanted to do for a Women’s Studies class. Deep in the reading, I found out that the “bearded lady” actually had PCOS. Here's a picture of her if you have NO idea what a "bearded lady" looks like, because you're not old like me. I took the picture from the BLOA website. That's the "Bearded Ladies of America." Just kidding. I just made that up.

This could be me!!! D-: ->

After reading about the beaded lady, was shocked at what hormones could do to a woman! I felt pretty lucky back then for not having but one or two little stray suckers. Of course, it’s evolved from 1 to 2, to more like 8 to 10 since then. I guess I could still own the “bearded lady” title by the time I’m in my 70s but lets hope it doesn’t come to that! Anyways, my chin is feeling and looking a lot better. Thank you Androcur! Even though you screwed me up emotionally and made me into a basket case, you still rock!

I’m so ready to get on with the show though. Taking all these pills to “regulate” my hormones has actually screwed me up completely. I know in the end, I’ll be better, but for now, I either want to kill everyone or cry my eyes out! Every little thing gets to me. I need a fence around me with a sign that says, “Don’t be stupid around the hormonal girl, or she will bite.” I can handle the horrible tender boobs and the nausea, but the headaches and the bitchiness need to stop. Plus, I’m always so tired. This is no fun. I need to be energetic and motivated for my job search, but instead I’m exhausted and sluggish. To top it off, I'm so intolerant of things. Poor EJ. I'm sure he's wondering how we're suppose to have a baby if I yell at him if he even looks at me funny.

Me yelling at EJ because he didn't feed the dogs. ->

He tries to hug me, I complain about my boobs hurting. He tries to get romantic, I ask him, "what did you do?" He doesn't do something the way I want (aka the right way) and I get SO upset. He can be a complete ass too, don't get me wrong, but lately, I haven't let him get away with too much and have called him on everything, so there is no harmony in this house.

I keep telling myself it will only be until December, so lets hope it goes by quickly. I’m keeping everything crossed... except maybe, my legs? *giggle* Okay, bad joke.

I also weighed myself this morning, because I’m a masochists and needed that extra kick to bring me even more down. Here are the stats.

October 7, 2010

Highest Weight: 199 lbs

First weigh-in's weight: 193.8 lbs

Current Weight: 187.6 lbs

Lowest Weight: 135 lbs

Weight lost this past week: 2 pounds

I guess it’s a start. I feel so incredibly bloated though and the vision of chugging down water is SO unappealing to me. Ugh! I feel SO bobby.

Me ->

I’m suppose to go walking today, since yesterday was my day off, so I will be heading out to Coronado Island later tonight, if it doesn’t rain. If it does, I’m going to have to make up some kind of exercise thing up in my living room. Maybe find one of my old yoga DVDs or lock myself in my bedroom and pretend I’m the trainer in some show and make stuff up as I go. lol I’m so kre8tiv. I know.

Here's to hoping my hormones even out more and harmony returning into my home.

Lions and tigers and OPKs?

So today, I finally got my packages in the mail. I was like a little girl at christmas time. My boxes of ovulation kits came in today. It's almost absurd how excited I was, especially because I've been using opks for the last 450 years. I decided to order them online and go for the Clearblue Easy ones. I figure, I might as well get them, since we're getting all hard core about TTC. I've never used the digital ones, so I'm a little excited. Here's a short conversation between my boyfriend and I after I opened the box.

Me: These are so cool! They show a happy face if you're ovulating!

EJ: If you're not, do they give you a sad face?

Me: No, but I'll have a sad face! *giggle*

I would jump off the Coronado bridge if I had to see a sad face every day! LOL Okay, maybe not jump off the bridge, but at least I'd have a good cry! Good job Clearblue Easy! For thinking this through! I would rather see a blank circle than a sad face!

I also should be receiving the test strips for the Ovulation monitor that has been sitting in my closet for the last year. I should probably buy some batteries for it as well. My sleeping schedule is so crazy that this may jut be a complete waste! Lately, I've been getting up once or twice times a night to go to the rest room and to check in on Leila. If only I could sleep through the night! What a wonderful thing that would be.

Another thing I'll be getting into again is charting my morning temperature, to get in the practice of taking it at the same time. I hope I can work on it and also get my sleeping schedule fixed or else it will be useless.

Tomorrow will be a good exercise day, because I will do lots of walking up in Julian for "Apple Days." Just have to watch what I eat! So much yummy stuff. I'm getting use to walking every other day though, so I'm proud of myself.

Exercise -check
Weight loss- working on it!
OPKs- check
Fixing hormones- working on it!
Temp charting- in the future, so check!

I'm happy that I'm getting things together. I'm trying to stay positive! The only thing that brings me a little down is that the opks and the monitor might not even work on me. I've read so many girls who get opks and these expensive monitors and NOTHING. Something about PCOS interferes with things. Our bodies just suck. We have too much of some hormones and sometimes, not enough of the important ones. -sigh- I figure I'd give it a go. We have nothing to lose and everything to gain, right?

So, in a nutshell, I'm going to be peeing on everything, so you might now want to leave your keys next to me... :p

Enough

I’m haven’t update in such a long time. I feel almost embarrassed to post. My endo visits have been all but unproductive lately, mostly because of my lack of motivation. I feel guilty, embarrassed and ashamed. I want to have a baby so badly, but I’m just not doing as I’m being told. After visiting her twice and receiving back my blood test, I was told my testosterone was too high. Not incredibly high, but enough to screw up my body. I had noticed a lot more chin hairs lately, plus the weight I had slowly put on was mostly on my upper body, “wrestler type”, but I didn’t put it together.

The Endo and spoke and we decided to wait to TTC for now, and I was placed on Diane (birth control) and Androcur (a testosterone blocker) for 3 months. I left her office disappointed and discouraged. What bothered me more was that I failed the goal I had made 7 weeks prior to my last appointment… to lose weight. I’ll be honest, I’ve never been a size 6 and I’ve never weighed 115 pounds. Maybe when I was 10? Who knows! I’m only 5’4 and my body, for as long as I can remember, has had curves. When I was younger, I thought I was HUGE. Now that I look back, I was the right weight and shape for my height. Society and peer pressure has seriously jaded my opinion of my body throughout my lifetime.

When I was 19, I think my body was at it’s best. I was about 150 and the weight was proportionally all in the right place. I felt confident and had tons of energy. When I turned 23 and got married, I went off the pill and all hell broke loose. Weight gain, hair loss, acne, chin hairs, no periods at all… it was hell. My self esteem plummeted and my marriage became rocky and ended. After many test and procedures, the conclusion was PCOS. I was devastated. Too much, too soon. It all hit me like a brick wall.

“Get on the scale.” The endo as she read my chart. “You weighed in at 187 seven weeks ago. Lets see how much you’ve lost.” My heard sunk as I slowly walked to the scale. Although my clothes felt a little lose, I knew I hadn’t lost weight. I had weighed myself earlier in the morning and was at that same weight. “185. Two pounds.” She said after sliding the little square weight thing all over the place. She glanced and we made eye contact, then she looked down at the chart and started to write things down again. I couldn’t help but think she felt disappointed. Not that she did, but the look said it all. “Well, your blood pressure is okay and I’m glad you’re losing weight. I know it can be difficult.” She continued to write things down and not make eye contact.

“My pants fit looser but I’m just not seeing it on the scale.” I said hanging my head in disappointment. She remained quiet and walked to her desk.

“Sit down honey.” She said taking a breath. That was the beginning of a long lecture. My endo was right though. My body is all kinds of messed up. It’s up to ME to fix it. It’s already proven that I can get pregnant when I lose weight. Now that I’m on Met, it might help keep me pregnant. I can’t blame anyone else. It’s no one’s fault BUT my own. If I want to get pregnant, I have to do something about it. I have lose the weight. I have to fix my hormones. I have to exercise and make my body healthy. I have to make the changes. It’s like that saying, “If you what you’ve always done, you get what you’ve always gotten.”

I must say that one of my biggest loves (besides my family, the ocean and the sky) has always been food. I just LOVE food. Bread is sexy. Sugar makes me hot. Pasta… well, we won’t talk about pasta. –smiles- I have to change my relationship with food though. I have to end my love affair with it and start to adore fruits, veggies, fish and chicken. I have to stop and think of what I’m putting in my mouth. I have to walk wherever I can and take the stairs. I shouldn’t just “go on a diet,” but “change my way of living.” I HATE being fat. HATE it. It’s not only TTC, but everyday life. My self esteem, my sex life, my energy level… it’s all gone down BECAUSE I HATE the way my body looks.

After I got home, I cried so hard. I felt like a failure. To make things worse, I did exactly what I shouldn’t have done. I sat down with a box of oreo cookies and a big glass of milk and just… ate. I ate away my sadness. After I was done, I felt HORRIBLE. This was the first time I had EVER done this. This is not me. So, what did I do? I continued the pig-out fest for the next few days.

When the Diane and the Androcur started kicking me butt, I felt HORRIBLE. I was exhausted, my boobs hurt and all I wanted to do was sleep. This has continued pretty much since them, until four days ago. It ate pretty much whatever I could because of the nausea. Cheese sandwiches? Yes please. Raviolis and bread with butter? Sure thing!

Then four days ago, I started to feel better. As I lay in bed, I started reevaluating the situation. Who was I hurting by over eating? I was only hurting myself. I realized then that with every piece of cake, with every chocolate and bread I ate, I was pushing away a baby from my life. With every sandwich and hamburger, I was guaranteeing the lights would be off when my boyfriend and I made love. It just kinda… clicked, right then and there. I realized I was hurting myself and killing my vision of having a baby.

Being that I wasn’t dying of exhaustion, I decided to take advantage of it. I started walking and using a pedometer to keep track. I walked on the 28th but I never saved the post and I accidentally erased it when I logged in today. –sigh- Here's what I remember though...

Sept. 28,2010
Steps: -
Distance (mi): 1.-
Calories: 100.-
Time (min): 38.00
Avg. Speed (m/h): -

Sept. 30, 2010
Steps: 2585
Distance (mi): 1.147
Calories: 90.4
Time (min): 23.20
Avg. Speed (m/h): 2.9

Here are my other stats. Sad little stats they are...

My last weigh-in...

May 29th, 2010
Highest Weight: 199 lbs
First weigh-in's weight: 193.8 lbs
Current Weight: 182.6 lbs
Lowest Weight: 135 lbs

My weigh in the day before yesterday...

September 28th, 2010
Highest Weight: 199 lbs
First weigh-in's weight: 193.8 lbs
Current Weight: 189.6 lbs
Lowest Weight: 135 lbs

My poor little butterfly is pissed on now. It had to fly backwards. :(



I’m on day 13 of Diane and Androcur. I stop Androcur in 2 days and Diane ends on day 21. Then there are 7 days when my period should come and the cycle of meds begin again. That will be month 2. For the last four days, I have eating healthy and have been happy. I am hoping to go grocery shopping later today and will most likely begin my low carb diet. It NEED this for myself.

I'm going to make the change. I know I've said this a thousand times, but this is it. I'm going to give it my all for the next year. I know I have a thousand other things to juggle (like finding a full time job), but I have my boyfriend's full support, along with my family's unconditional love, but I know I can do it. I can fix my body and give it the best chance to have a baby. If we our best and nothing works though, then we will probably give up on the whole pregnancy thing (at least for a while) and start researching foster care and adoption. I know we will love ANY child God sends our way.

I know this post is super long, but I’ve had so much emotions, concerns and anger in my heart. I just wanted to get it all out. If you can relate, have advice or comments, please let me know. I need all the support I can get. I feel like I’m climbing a never ending mountain and having people around who know what I’m dealing with means so much to me.

<3 Aymen

My face! My face! My face is on FIRE!

After being on the birth control pill for 3 months, I was so very excited to end this phase and start on the actual TTC phase of our journey. I was counting down the days. I had it marked on my calendar. I was ready to hit the road running! But now, there is a huge hurdle in my path.

A few days ago, my face became swollen, red and covered in acne. I have rosacea so I just assumed I was having a bad flare up, but this time, it was different. It actually HURT to touch my face and no amount of make-up could hide the redness.
My aunt decided enough was enough, and booked me an appointment with her Dermatologist and she slapped me with the hard reality that again, my hormones were to blame. She sat there, in her perfect Barbie like self, and told me I needed to go to an Endocrinologist and to lose weight. Yes. She went THERE.

She ran some test, touched and poked then put a blue light to my face, looked at the photos I brought her and asked me a million questions before she came to the conclusion, but it stung just the same. She told me that the moment I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovaries, the problems began and that the diabetes, the adrenal gland problems and the rise in testosterone all go hand in hand. “It’s hormonal. You need to get that fixed before I can even begin to work on your face. Your face is so damaged, that I can’t do anything hard core to it now.” I wanted to cry, but I sucked it up. I needed to hear this. The biggest knot in my throat came when she said, “You’ve been misdiagnosed for 13 years. You’ve been having hormonal problems for more than 13 years. You will not get what you want unless you change your eating habits NOW and unless we get your hormones in control.”

I know what you’re thinking… if she tells you that you can’t get pregnant because of your weight, tell her to f-off and move on. What she’s telling me though, is that with the weight increase, the screwed up hormones and my rosacea combination, it’s causing havoc on my face and my body. Fix these things and I have a great chance of getting pregnant.

I don’t care what anyone says, I’ve seen this time and time again… some women, and I will repeat it again, SOME women, have a horrible time getting pregnant when they are overweight and have PCOS. The moment they lose the weight, they become pregnant naturally. I fall under that category.

She wanted to run a craptacular amount of blood test, but after she found out I was on the birth control pill for 3 months, she became frustrated and said that the result wouldn’t be “true” results, because my hormones have been changed because of the BCPs. I have to take the whole craptacular amount in September, when she feels they would all be completely out of my system.

I have an Endocrinologist appointment today at 2:30 p.m. and she will be doing a ton of blood work, at my Dermatologist request. I hope she finds some answers for me. I would love it if instead of trying to get rid of the symptoms, they got rid of the reason behind the symptoms.

So that’s where I’m at. TTC with fertility meds is out of the questions for now. If we want to TTC naturally, she said she wouldn’t stop us though, but she feels fixing my hormones and face will get me to my goal (having a baby) just the same.

I honestly don’t know what to feel, but I have to stay positive. Everything happens for a reason, right? She wants to see me 10-20 pounds thinner by the time I see her again in 6 weeks. Time to work hard and get this weight off me. Back to low carbing it is…

Faith

“More than a 50 people have seen my Ladyville,” I thought to myself as my gynecologist was checking me out yesterday. I looked up to the ceiling and started counting each doctor I had seen since my quest began to get pregnant. I got up to 10, but then realized that they were the most recent ones and I just couldn’t remember the rest.

I’m not sure if you recall, but the fabulous Dr. Rory sent me to a specialist after our little embarrassing moment. After calling local doctors and finding out the cost to see one on my own (I currently do not have insurance so every test, visit and medicine has been paid out-of-pocket), I quickly decided that I was going to accept fab Dr. Rory’s recommendation and went to my appointment. He said Dr. Shay (name changed to protect her wonderful self lol) is a specialist with PCOS and not only has her own practice, but works one day a week at Planned Parenthood. Score! A real doctor and I don’t have to pay for it!

After filling out papers, peeing in a cup “just in case” I was pregnant *rolling my eyes* and waiting an hour among teenage girls needing birth control, or PRAYING not to be pregnant or infested with STD’s, I was called. The medical assistant walked me over to the little area where the pee cups were and there sat my little test, with one little sad lines. I was crushed when I notices that the other cups had test strips with two lines on them. I had a feeling the owners of the other cups wouldn’t have been as happy as I would have been in my test had two lines.

She looked down at my test, wrote something down and then asked me to follow her to the doctor’s office. That’s where I met the wonderful Dr. Shay.

I sat with her for about 10 minutes and we discussed the situation. Usually, she’s not suppose to help girls get pregnant. Planned Parenthood helps girls and guys protect themselves and pushes family planning. She was so sweet and understood my situation. After she drew a chart explaining what was going on with my body (DAMN YOU PCOS), she walked me over to where she would check Ladyville out.

After a few minutes of laying there trying to count the doctors who have seen Ladyville, she decided to check my ovaries. She said they felt normal and told me everything looked good. It made me feel hopeful. She then told me that what I’ve told her and from what she’s seen in the blood results, she suggested that I keep losing weight and go on birth control for 3 months. *POP* Went the bubble of hope I had floating over me.

NOOOOO! Not the dreaded BCP!

She said that being that I just had the longest AF and the biggest clots, she suggested that I get my hormones in order first, then to come back after I was almost done with my BCPs and we would take the next step then. She also suggested that my BF have his little men checked, so we know all is good.

I’m speechless, but I think I will do as she wishes. As much as I wanted to start the TTC journey next month, I agree, my body is "out of whack" right now... more than normal too!

I’m hoping by then I’ll have a full time job with medical insurance and be settled in. So much is going on… so much stress coming at me from different directions… it’s the right thing to do. At least this is what I'm telling myself so I don't break down crying.

As I was leaving, there were two teenagers outside sitting on the bench. I could hear one tell the other, everything is going to be okay," while the other sobbed uncontrollably. I could hear the girl's faint voice say, "My mom's going to kill me," as I walked up the stairs.

As I sat inside my car and had a moment to absorbed what was just said to me, I could feel my eyes swell up with tears. It was tough to stay positive and to be strong, when all I wanted to do was cry. Cry for the way my body has betrayed me. Cry for the miscarriages I've had. Cry for the countless times I've seen a pregnancy test with one line. Cry for the girls who take their children for granted and don't realize what a blessing they are. Cry for not being able to give my boyfriend, whom I love so much, a child.

Then I remembered what someone recently said to me... "God may not come when you want him, but He's always on time." Sometimes I forget to have faith, take it one day at a time, leave it in his hands and just... breath.

I will continue to low carb and lose as much weight as I can during these three months. It’s going to be tough. I will miss feeling part of the TTC communities I'm in and talking about OPKs, temping, charting and everything else related to making a baby, but hopefully it will all work out in the end. I have faith in myself and in God, that everything will work out in the end... the way it was meant to.

"Red Fred Strikes Again"

You know what I hate most about having PCOS? The "randomness that is my body". The "never being able to get close enough to people, or let anyone touch my face because there is hair where there need not be any". The "never being able to wear white pants because I never know when Red Fred is going to stick his ugly head in". The "constant wondering if I'm pregnant and peeing on a dozen sticks and getting nothing but Big Fat Negatives (BFN), then waiting a few days and getting the itch to pee on a dozen more pregnancy test, just in case the first dozen were WRONG". The "being a lot heavier than my sister, who is not only 5 times smaller, but eats like a starved pig". The... okay, I'll stop.

Today, I had to go through the most humiliating thing EVER. I've had a reverse period. You know, you start off light and then it gets all, "Holy crap! Who opened the flood gates?!" as it goes alone. I'm on CD16. For those of you who don't talk "I'M-CONSUMED-WITH-GETTING-PREGNANT-SO I'M CHARTING-DOING OPKS-USING THE CBEFM-LIFTING MY BUTT UP AFTER SEX" talk, that means my first day of last period was 16 days ago. Well, guess what? IT HASN'T STOPPED YET.

Okay, here comes the most humiliating things that I had to go through in my life. My Endo is now living in Mexico and being that I didn't want to wait until I found a new one, I called my campus Gyno. I had never been to the campus Gyno, but one of my friends recommended Dr. Rory. (Name has been changed to save this poor Dr. from the embarrassment I put them through.) Well, my friend was all, "I love Dr. Rory! Go in! Dr. Rory is the best!" For some reason, I thought this "famous" Dr. Rory was, well, a female. Call me old fashion, call me a feminist, call me mental, I just did. When I get to this famous Dr. Rory, out comes a male doctor. Not just, a male Doctor, but it's Doogie-freaking-Howser!!

This was my face->



After talking to him for about 10 minutes and answering the most absurd questions (does he really need to know if I'm not satisfied with my sex life?), he says the dreaded words... "I'm going to have to do a pelvic exam."

I ask him, "Really? But, I just told you I was on my period. I just told you there have been these crazy monster sized... TMI UP AHEAD SO SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU'RE EASILY GROSSED OUT!! WARNING! WARNING! blood clots that are scaring the b'jeebies out of me. Do you really, really have to look in Ladyville? I mean, REALLY?"

He assures me that he has seen it all, done these examinations before and blood doesn't bother him. He called the nurse and as she arrived, so did the extreme burst of color to my face. I felt such embarrassment. It's bad enough to have a pap exam done when Red Fred is not around, but when he's here and he's throwing big heavy luggage at you, then well, it's horrific.

Everything was going well. For a brief moment, famous Dr. Rory was all, "there's just a little blood" and going on his merry way. He asks, "Does this hurt? Do you feel pain when I press here?" Nothing. I felt nothing.

Then, there was SILENCE. Not like the kind of silence when you know your doctor is hard at work, trying to figure out what's going on... but the kind of silence that makes you worry. The kind of silence you imagine is going on when someone's deep in thought trying to figure out the cure for cancer.

Suddenly, I look up and see his face. It looked like this->



He stutters a little and says, TMI UP AHEAD SO SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU'RE EASILY GROSSED OUT!! WARNING! WARNING! "I see... I see what you mean about monster sized blood clots." The nurse and him suddenly go all a frenzy. He asks her for tissue or a pad, or a newspaper to clean up the bloody mess. (Okay, I just added the last one in there to see if you were listening.)

THEN, I could feel panic. Tissues were flying like something exploded and fab Dr. Rory was trying to keep it from getting all over the table. I can just see it now. He's like, "La la la la la. I'm doing my job." Then, "Holy sh*t Batman! What's that?!" *SPLAT!* Seriously. There was some SERIOUS patting of Ladyville. I felt SO ashamed that Red Fred decided to toss out some heavy luggage when fabulous Dr. Rory was exploring Ladyville, that I didn't even look up.

Not more than a few minutes later, Dr. Rory asks me to sit up and abandons ship. He slips off his gloves, but I can clearly see he's holding something in one of his hands and does NOT want to open it. I don't even ask. We were all a dozen shades of red.

I warned Dr. Rory, but nooooo. He wanted to go in there. He didn't believe me when I said it was a hot mess down there.

Needless to say, fabulous Dr. Rory was not-so-fabulous and I have an appointment on the 27th with a specialist. All that embarrassment just to be redirected to someone else. All he could positively tell me, from the results that come in from the blood test I had done earlier, was that my cholesterol levels were fine. Um... okay.

Thanks for the most embarrassing moment of my life, Dr. Rory. I hope it stays in your mind forever, because it sure as hell will stay in mine.

"When are you going to have a baby?"

Yesterday, I received an e-mail from one of my friends. I knew her baby shower was coming up and sure enough, it was an e-vite. In the invitation, it said, “Hello mommy friends! I’m so happy to know I’m now going to be in the club! Please come and share my happiness. I love you all so much and hope to see you here!” I scrolled down to see if there was a personal message, and sure enough, there was. It said, “You might be thinking, “This b*tch is crazy! I’m not a mom! She knows I’ve been trying to have a baby for years!” But in my heart Aymen, you are a mother. You take care of your niece as if she was your own and you give her all the love you have. A mother isn’t the person who has a child, a mother is one who raises them. And you, my beautiful friend, are the best one I’ve met. I love you dearly. I know being around pregnant women and moms makes you uncomfortable, but please come. YOU know what I’ve gone through and understand. It just would be the same without you.”

My eyes suddenly got all teary. I love my friend and she would know better than anyone about infertility. She too struggled for years to have a child and she finally became pregnant. The thought about being around women, who all, I’m positive, were going to talk about stinky diapers and the best stroller to get… well, I just know I couldn’t handle it. Not right now. Not while I’m so vulnerable.

Within the last 10 months, both my sister and my sister-in-law gave birth to baby boys. There’s Xavier, who’s got the most loving eyes and beautiful laughter. He’s the most handsome little guy I’ve ever met. I’m in love with him every time I see him. Then there’s Deven, who’s only 4 months old but is already starting to show his personality. The way his hair naturally goes up into a mohawk, the way he kicks his little feet when he’s in the swing. His little grin can light up anyone’s day. I’m in love with him every time I see him too. Although my love is enormous for them, my desire for a baby of my own is just as big.

My boyfriend Ernest and I have been trying to have a child for the past 6 years. I can’t even count the pregnancy test, the hundreds of ovulation prediction kits and the thousands of tears I’ve shared. A few year ago, my beautiful sassy niece came to live with us part time. Leila has been the brightest spot in my life. She makes me so unbelievably happy when she’s around and I can feel the love she has for us is enormous. I love her so much, but she’s not ours to keep. We share her with her parents. Although she is the biggest motivation for me to get up in the morning, my goal is not to raise her forever, but to return her to my sister one day. I have detached myself just enough, so that I won’t fall into a depression once she is gone. How horrible of me, I know. It’s my survival mechanism, the way I’ll cope.

Today, one of my Aunts came to visit us. She is one out of the two Aunts who doesn’t have PCOS (there’s 7 Aunts in total) and who has been able to have children with absolutely no help. She must have asked me at least four times, “When are you going to have a baby?” At first I was really cool with it. I’m 34, I get this asked A LOT. What I don’t get is the constant asking from the same person. Towards the end, I wanted to slip away and have a meltdown in my bedroom. But how was I suppose to leave my aunt all alone in my living room?

Suddenly, relief came in form of my mother. When I walked out to greet her, I whispered, “I’m going to kill her if she asked me when I’m going to have a baby.” My mom’s always been there for me and knows (to an extent) what I’ve gone through. Everyday, we grow closer, but it’s still hard to open myself up. Only a few people know what I’ve felt (such as my cousin Jerika), because they’ve felt it too. They felt the pain of my miscarriage and the sadness I feel with each BFN. My mom though, she’s forever the optimist. She’s so proud that I went back to school. She keeps reminding me that I don’t have to give birth to a child necessarily and that there are hundreds of kids out there who need a home. They need me probably just as much as I need them, in a way.

Within minutes, my mom was occupying my aunt’s time. Everything went smoothly after that. Thank God for my mother. No more “When are you going to have a baby” flying my way. At least for today.

It’s amazing how one question can have such an enormous impact on me and in my life. It brings out the most vulnerable side of me. The side I dare not show strangers.

As I sit here, all I can think about is my friend’s baby shower and how I felt when my aunt asked me that question. As much as I love my friend, I’m going to have to decline her invitation… at least that’s my decision for right now. If I couldn’t handle a nosy, pushy aunt, how am I suppose to handle a large group of women in a baby shower? Unless I just wear a shirt that says, “Ask me when I’m going to have a baby if you want to get punched in the face,” there’s just no way around that one powerful question.

My motivation to lose weight...

After many rounds of Clomid, we were recently told our next step is to move into the Femara world. I can't say that I'm excited about this new adventure. In fact, I'm so exhausted of taking so many fertility pills, the side effects and the headaches. Mentally, physically and emotionally, I feel I just can't do it. I decided soon after the word "Femara" came up to put TTC on hold, so I can get myself together, become healthy once again and lose weight.

The first time I became pregnant, I did it after losing about 25 pounds. I wasn't as heavy back then as I was now, so a 25 pound loss was significant. He/she was unplanned but very much wanted. Soon after finding out I was pregnant, I lost the baby. I was so hurt, but since I didn't even know I was pregnant and hadn't formed a connection with him/her yet, the grieving period was brief.

Then in 2003, I became pregnant again after losing about 30 pounds, but unfortunately lost the baby at 12 weeks. (Apparently, the baby stopped growing at 9 weeks.) I was well aware of this pregnancy, had seen the baby in an ultrasound and had already grown to love him/her. Soon after my D & C, I fell into a depression and gained back the weight plus more.

I think it's more than a coincidence that both times I lost significant weight, I became pregnant. I decided to try to lose weight once more and get myself healthy to hopefully become pregnant again, on my own, without fertility medication. This time I am also on Metformin, to possibly help with miscarriages.

How do I plan to lose the weight? Well, I've tried eating low fat for a few months but I wasn't losing much, if any weight. That's when I realized then that eating low fat helps me maintains my weight. I am insulin resistant and for some reason, low carbing is the only way I can lose the weight... so low carbing it is.

Tomorrow is my "weigh-in" day. I will come and post how much weight I've lost as soon as I find out.

You can follow my low carb, weight loss journey if you follow me on Twitter. Just click on the "Follow Me On Twitter" picture to the right of my blog. :)

First Post. Intro to my fertility issues.

I was officially diagnosed with PCOS in May 1998, after a m/c with my Ex Husband. Although I didn't know the name of what I had, I knew I had it since I was young. PCOS runs in my family and 5 out of 7 of my Aunt's from my Mother's side (in addition to my Mom) have it, although many have never had it offically diagnosed.

I've had two m/c's, one in 6/98 and one in 9/03. I was unaware I was pregnant the first time, but I had already grown to love the second baby. My 2nd m/c was very traumatic for me and hard because EJ was in Iraq during it, but we got through it and here we are, ttc once again.

The last doctor I visited suggested that I lose weight (about 30 pounds) before I begin TTC. I decided to finally follow his advice and start low carbing. Today is my 7th day of low carbing and it's been going great. I'm hoping to continue it until I lose enough weight were I would feel comfortable switching over to a low-fat diet, to maintain my weight. Because of my insulin resistance, low carbing has been the only way I've been able to lose weight, so I'm sticking to it!

I had another TTC journal that I had for the last few years, but I noticed I was negative on it from start to finish, so I decided to delete it and start a new. After much thinking and praying, I feel the motivation and strenght to start all over again...