Starting month #2!

Tonight, I start taking Diane and Androcur for the second month.

I called in to speak to the doctor today because I was told my AF was suppose to show up on the 3rd day I had stopped taking my birth control pill. No such luck. AF decided to show up on the very last day of the 7 day window, which is TODAY, and has made me feel completely gross.

I'm positive I haven't lost more weight, but I feel so bloated and unhappy, it could just be AF talking. Not to mention my face completely broke out, so not only do I feel all bloated and lumpy like the elephant man, but look like him too. Go me!

I have spent the day doing laundry and just hanging out with my guy. I'm so grateful for him and his way. He's so patient and caring towards me. I'm blessed. Although I must say that that sometimes I want to hug him till he pops and sometimes... I just want to pop him. Hehe. I know he'll be a good father. I just hope it will soon.

Okay, here's to month #2! To losing weight, fixing hormones and babies...

Don’t Act Stupid Around The Hormonal Girl…

I finally finished my last pill of Androcur a few days ago and I must say, I can totally see the difference is the amount of stray hairs that grow on my chin. I know, it’s gross, but if you could read my Dr. Rory post, then you’ll be okay.

I remember going to the library while in college and checking out a book on “women of the circus,” for a paper I wanted to do for a Women’s Studies class. Deep in the reading, I found out that the “bearded lady” actually had PCOS. Here's a picture of her if you have NO idea what a "bearded lady" looks like, because you're not old like me. I took the picture from the BLOA website. That's the "Bearded Ladies of America." Just kidding. I just made that up.

This could be me!!! D-: ->

After reading about the beaded lady, was shocked at what hormones could do to a woman! I felt pretty lucky back then for not having but one or two little stray suckers. Of course, it’s evolved from 1 to 2, to more like 8 to 10 since then. I guess I could still own the “bearded lady” title by the time I’m in my 70s but lets hope it doesn’t come to that! Anyways, my chin is feeling and looking a lot better. Thank you Androcur! Even though you screwed me up emotionally and made me into a basket case, you still rock!

I’m so ready to get on with the show though. Taking all these pills to “regulate” my hormones has actually screwed me up completely. I know in the end, I’ll be better, but for now, I either want to kill everyone or cry my eyes out! Every little thing gets to me. I need a fence around me with a sign that says, “Don’t be stupid around the hormonal girl, or she will bite.” I can handle the horrible tender boobs and the nausea, but the headaches and the bitchiness need to stop. Plus, I’m always so tired. This is no fun. I need to be energetic and motivated for my job search, but instead I’m exhausted and sluggish. To top it off, I'm so intolerant of things. Poor EJ. I'm sure he's wondering how we're suppose to have a baby if I yell at him if he even looks at me funny.

Me yelling at EJ because he didn't feed the dogs. ->

He tries to hug me, I complain about my boobs hurting. He tries to get romantic, I ask him, "what did you do?" He doesn't do something the way I want (aka the right way) and I get SO upset. He can be a complete ass too, don't get me wrong, but lately, I haven't let him get away with too much and have called him on everything, so there is no harmony in this house.

I keep telling myself it will only be until December, so lets hope it goes by quickly. I’m keeping everything crossed... except maybe, my legs? *giggle* Okay, bad joke.

I also weighed myself this morning, because I’m a masochists and needed that extra kick to bring me even more down. Here are the stats.

October 7, 2010

Highest Weight: 199 lbs

First weigh-in's weight: 193.8 lbs

Current Weight: 187.6 lbs

Lowest Weight: 135 lbs

Weight lost this past week: 2 pounds

I guess it’s a start. I feel so incredibly bloated though and the vision of chugging down water is SO unappealing to me. Ugh! I feel SO bobby.

Me ->

I’m suppose to go walking today, since yesterday was my day off, so I will be heading out to Coronado Island later tonight, if it doesn’t rain. If it does, I’m going to have to make up some kind of exercise thing up in my living room. Maybe find one of my old yoga DVDs or lock myself in my bedroom and pretend I’m the trainer in some show and make stuff up as I go. lol I’m so kre8tiv. I know.

Here's to hoping my hormones even out more and harmony returning into my home.

Lions and tigers and OPKs?

So today, I finally got my packages in the mail. I was like a little girl at christmas time. My boxes of ovulation kits came in today. It's almost absurd how excited I was, especially because I've been using opks for the last 450 years. I decided to order them online and go for the Clearblue Easy ones. I figure, I might as well get them, since we're getting all hard core about TTC. I've never used the digital ones, so I'm a little excited. Here's a short conversation between my boyfriend and I after I opened the box.

Me: These are so cool! They show a happy face if you're ovulating!

EJ: If you're not, do they give you a sad face?

Me: No, but I'll have a sad face! *giggle*

I would jump off the Coronado bridge if I had to see a sad face every day! LOL Okay, maybe not jump off the bridge, but at least I'd have a good cry! Good job Clearblue Easy! For thinking this through! I would rather see a blank circle than a sad face!

I also should be receiving the test strips for the Ovulation monitor that has been sitting in my closet for the last year. I should probably buy some batteries for it as well. My sleeping schedule is so crazy that this may jut be a complete waste! Lately, I've been getting up once or twice times a night to go to the rest room and to check in on Leila. If only I could sleep through the night! What a wonderful thing that would be.

Another thing I'll be getting into again is charting my morning temperature, to get in the practice of taking it at the same time. I hope I can work on it and also get my sleeping schedule fixed or else it will be useless.

Tomorrow will be a good exercise day, because I will do lots of walking up in Julian for "Apple Days." Just have to watch what I eat! So much yummy stuff. I'm getting use to walking every other day though, so I'm proud of myself.

Exercise -check
Weight loss- working on it!
OPKs- check
Fixing hormones- working on it!
Temp charting- in the future, so check!

I'm happy that I'm getting things together. I'm trying to stay positive! The only thing that brings me a little down is that the opks and the monitor might not even work on me. I've read so many girls who get opks and these expensive monitors and NOTHING. Something about PCOS interferes with things. Our bodies just suck. We have too much of some hormones and sometimes, not enough of the important ones. -sigh- I figure I'd give it a go. We have nothing to lose and everything to gain, right?

So, in a nutshell, I'm going to be peeing on everything, so you might now want to leave your keys next to me... :p

Enough

I’m haven’t update in such a long time. I feel almost embarrassed to post. My endo visits have been all but unproductive lately, mostly because of my lack of motivation. I feel guilty, embarrassed and ashamed. I want to have a baby so badly, but I’m just not doing as I’m being told. After visiting her twice and receiving back my blood test, I was told my testosterone was too high. Not incredibly high, but enough to screw up my body. I had noticed a lot more chin hairs lately, plus the weight I had slowly put on was mostly on my upper body, “wrestler type”, but I didn’t put it together.

The Endo and spoke and we decided to wait to TTC for now, and I was placed on Diane (birth control) and Androcur (a testosterone blocker) for 3 months. I left her office disappointed and discouraged. What bothered me more was that I failed the goal I had made 7 weeks prior to my last appointment… to lose weight. I’ll be honest, I’ve never been a size 6 and I’ve never weighed 115 pounds. Maybe when I was 10? Who knows! I’m only 5’4 and my body, for as long as I can remember, has had curves. When I was younger, I thought I was HUGE. Now that I look back, I was the right weight and shape for my height. Society and peer pressure has seriously jaded my opinion of my body throughout my lifetime.

When I was 19, I think my body was at it’s best. I was about 150 and the weight was proportionally all in the right place. I felt confident and had tons of energy. When I turned 23 and got married, I went off the pill and all hell broke loose. Weight gain, hair loss, acne, chin hairs, no periods at all… it was hell. My self esteem plummeted and my marriage became rocky and ended. After many test and procedures, the conclusion was PCOS. I was devastated. Too much, too soon. It all hit me like a brick wall.

“Get on the scale.” The endo as she read my chart. “You weighed in at 187 seven weeks ago. Lets see how much you’ve lost.” My heard sunk as I slowly walked to the scale. Although my clothes felt a little lose, I knew I hadn’t lost weight. I had weighed myself earlier in the morning and was at that same weight. “185. Two pounds.” She said after sliding the little square weight thing all over the place. She glanced and we made eye contact, then she looked down at the chart and started to write things down again. I couldn’t help but think she felt disappointed. Not that she did, but the look said it all. “Well, your blood pressure is okay and I’m glad you’re losing weight. I know it can be difficult.” She continued to write things down and not make eye contact.

“My pants fit looser but I’m just not seeing it on the scale.” I said hanging my head in disappointment. She remained quiet and walked to her desk.

“Sit down honey.” She said taking a breath. That was the beginning of a long lecture. My endo was right though. My body is all kinds of messed up. It’s up to ME to fix it. It’s already proven that I can get pregnant when I lose weight. Now that I’m on Met, it might help keep me pregnant. I can’t blame anyone else. It’s no one’s fault BUT my own. If I want to get pregnant, I have to do something about it. I have lose the weight. I have to fix my hormones. I have to exercise and make my body healthy. I have to make the changes. It’s like that saying, “If you what you’ve always done, you get what you’ve always gotten.”

I must say that one of my biggest loves (besides my family, the ocean and the sky) has always been food. I just LOVE food. Bread is sexy. Sugar makes me hot. Pasta… well, we won’t talk about pasta. –smiles- I have to change my relationship with food though. I have to end my love affair with it and start to adore fruits, veggies, fish and chicken. I have to stop and think of what I’m putting in my mouth. I have to walk wherever I can and take the stairs. I shouldn’t just “go on a diet,” but “change my way of living.” I HATE being fat. HATE it. It’s not only TTC, but everyday life. My self esteem, my sex life, my energy level… it’s all gone down BECAUSE I HATE the way my body looks.

After I got home, I cried so hard. I felt like a failure. To make things worse, I did exactly what I shouldn’t have done. I sat down with a box of oreo cookies and a big glass of milk and just… ate. I ate away my sadness. After I was done, I felt HORRIBLE. This was the first time I had EVER done this. This is not me. So, what did I do? I continued the pig-out fest for the next few days.

When the Diane and the Androcur started kicking me butt, I felt HORRIBLE. I was exhausted, my boobs hurt and all I wanted to do was sleep. This has continued pretty much since them, until four days ago. It ate pretty much whatever I could because of the nausea. Cheese sandwiches? Yes please. Raviolis and bread with butter? Sure thing!

Then four days ago, I started to feel better. As I lay in bed, I started reevaluating the situation. Who was I hurting by over eating? I was only hurting myself. I realized then that with every piece of cake, with every chocolate and bread I ate, I was pushing away a baby from my life. With every sandwich and hamburger, I was guaranteeing the lights would be off when my boyfriend and I made love. It just kinda… clicked, right then and there. I realized I was hurting myself and killing my vision of having a baby.

Being that I wasn’t dying of exhaustion, I decided to take advantage of it. I started walking and using a pedometer to keep track. I walked on the 28th but I never saved the post and I accidentally erased it when I logged in today. –sigh- Here's what I remember though...

Sept. 28,2010
Steps: -
Distance (mi): 1.-
Calories: 100.-
Time (min): 38.00
Avg. Speed (m/h): -

Sept. 30, 2010
Steps: 2585
Distance (mi): 1.147
Calories: 90.4
Time (min): 23.20
Avg. Speed (m/h): 2.9

Here are my other stats. Sad little stats they are...

My last weigh-in...

May 29th, 2010
Highest Weight: 199 lbs
First weigh-in's weight: 193.8 lbs
Current Weight: 182.6 lbs
Lowest Weight: 135 lbs

My weigh in the day before yesterday...

September 28th, 2010
Highest Weight: 199 lbs
First weigh-in's weight: 193.8 lbs
Current Weight: 189.6 lbs
Lowest Weight: 135 lbs

My poor little butterfly is pissed on now. It had to fly backwards. :(



I’m on day 13 of Diane and Androcur. I stop Androcur in 2 days and Diane ends on day 21. Then there are 7 days when my period should come and the cycle of meds begin again. That will be month 2. For the last four days, I have eating healthy and have been happy. I am hoping to go grocery shopping later today and will most likely begin my low carb diet. It NEED this for myself.

I'm going to make the change. I know I've said this a thousand times, but this is it. I'm going to give it my all for the next year. I know I have a thousand other things to juggle (like finding a full time job), but I have my boyfriend's full support, along with my family's unconditional love, but I know I can do it. I can fix my body and give it the best chance to have a baby. If we our best and nothing works though, then we will probably give up on the whole pregnancy thing (at least for a while) and start researching foster care and adoption. I know we will love ANY child God sends our way.

I know this post is super long, but I’ve had so much emotions, concerns and anger in my heart. I just wanted to get it all out. If you can relate, have advice or comments, please let me know. I need all the support I can get. I feel like I’m climbing a never ending mountain and having people around who know what I’m dealing with means so much to me.

<3 Aymen