Faith

“More than a 50 people have seen my Ladyville,” I thought to myself as my gynecologist was checking me out yesterday. I looked up to the ceiling and started counting each doctor I had seen since my quest began to get pregnant. I got up to 10, but then realized that they were the most recent ones and I just couldn’t remember the rest.

I’m not sure if you recall, but the fabulous Dr. Rory sent me to a specialist after our little embarrassing moment. After calling local doctors and finding out the cost to see one on my own (I currently do not have insurance so every test, visit and medicine has been paid out-of-pocket), I quickly decided that I was going to accept fab Dr. Rory’s recommendation and went to my appointment. He said Dr. Shay (name changed to protect her wonderful self lol) is a specialist with PCOS and not only has her own practice, but works one day a week at Planned Parenthood. Score! A real doctor and I don’t have to pay for it!

After filling out papers, peeing in a cup “just in case” I was pregnant *rolling my eyes* and waiting an hour among teenage girls needing birth control, or PRAYING not to be pregnant or infested with STD’s, I was called. The medical assistant walked me over to the little area where the pee cups were and there sat my little test, with one little sad lines. I was crushed when I notices that the other cups had test strips with two lines on them. I had a feeling the owners of the other cups wouldn’t have been as happy as I would have been in my test had two lines.

She looked down at my test, wrote something down and then asked me to follow her to the doctor’s office. That’s where I met the wonderful Dr. Shay.

I sat with her for about 10 minutes and we discussed the situation. Usually, she’s not suppose to help girls get pregnant. Planned Parenthood helps girls and guys protect themselves and pushes family planning. She was so sweet and understood my situation. After she drew a chart explaining what was going on with my body (DAMN YOU PCOS), she walked me over to where she would check Ladyville out.

After a few minutes of laying there trying to count the doctors who have seen Ladyville, she decided to check my ovaries. She said they felt normal and told me everything looked good. It made me feel hopeful. She then told me that what I’ve told her and from what she’s seen in the blood results, she suggested that I keep losing weight and go on birth control for 3 months. *POP* Went the bubble of hope I had floating over me.

NOOOOO! Not the dreaded BCP!

She said that being that I just had the longest AF and the biggest clots, she suggested that I get my hormones in order first, then to come back after I was almost done with my BCPs and we would take the next step then. She also suggested that my BF have his little men checked, so we know all is good.

I’m speechless, but I think I will do as she wishes. As much as I wanted to start the TTC journey next month, I agree, my body is "out of whack" right now... more than normal too!

I’m hoping by then I’ll have a full time job with medical insurance and be settled in. So much is going on… so much stress coming at me from different directions… it’s the right thing to do. At least this is what I'm telling myself so I don't break down crying.

As I was leaving, there were two teenagers outside sitting on the bench. I could hear one tell the other, everything is going to be okay," while the other sobbed uncontrollably. I could hear the girl's faint voice say, "My mom's going to kill me," as I walked up the stairs.

As I sat inside my car and had a moment to absorbed what was just said to me, I could feel my eyes swell up with tears. It was tough to stay positive and to be strong, when all I wanted to do was cry. Cry for the way my body has betrayed me. Cry for the miscarriages I've had. Cry for the countless times I've seen a pregnancy test with one line. Cry for the girls who take their children for granted and don't realize what a blessing they are. Cry for not being able to give my boyfriend, whom I love so much, a child.

Then I remembered what someone recently said to me... "God may not come when you want him, but He's always on time." Sometimes I forget to have faith, take it one day at a time, leave it in his hands and just... breath.

I will continue to low carb and lose as much weight as I can during these three months. It’s going to be tough. I will miss feeling part of the TTC communities I'm in and talking about OPKs, temping, charting and everything else related to making a baby, but hopefully it will all work out in the end. I have faith in myself and in God, that everything will work out in the end... the way it was meant to.

Monday Weigh-In

Okay, so I decided to disclose my weight. I'm being brave here. I usually don't tell anyone my weight and my BF is clueless about it, mostly because he's usually about the same friggin weight as I am! I'm FINALLY smaller than him though and it brings me a bit of satisfaction. He's currently 193, which was my starting weight. He's also 5'11. I'm only 5'4. Blah.

So this past week was really stressful for me. With the never ending AF, homework, my internship, my niece becoming sick and then my brother heading into the hospital. It was not fun. Not to mention the fact I became addicted to these amazing cooked pork rinds! I'm almost ashamed to tweet what I ate because I've been eating them A LOT. And when I say A LOT, I mean A LOT! Somehow though, I managed to lose some weight. I'm so happy with myself. Proud, you can say. I'm dreading this next week though because I usually make it to 180.0 and then, something inside happens. I just... give up. Good-bye low carb! Hello sweet bread! Yeah. That's my weakness. So the next few weeks are going to be tough. I'm currently motivated. I have graduation on the brain and want to look decent when I take my pictures, but even so, stress is all around me. I will survive this though. I have faith I will.

So, here are my stats!

April 26th, 2010
Highest Weight: 199 lbs
First weigh-in's weight: 193.8 lbs
Current Weight: 181.4 lbs
Lowest Weight: 135 lbs

Weight loss this week: 2.6 pounds

Total weight loss: 12.4 pounds!

"Red Fred Strikes Again"

You know what I hate most about having PCOS? The "randomness that is my body". The "never being able to get close enough to people, or let anyone touch my face because there is hair where there need not be any". The "never being able to wear white pants because I never know when Red Fred is going to stick his ugly head in". The "constant wondering if I'm pregnant and peeing on a dozen sticks and getting nothing but Big Fat Negatives (BFN), then waiting a few days and getting the itch to pee on a dozen more pregnancy test, just in case the first dozen were WRONG". The "being a lot heavier than my sister, who is not only 5 times smaller, but eats like a starved pig". The... okay, I'll stop.

Today, I had to go through the most humiliating thing EVER. I've had a reverse period. You know, you start off light and then it gets all, "Holy crap! Who opened the flood gates?!" as it goes alone. I'm on CD16. For those of you who don't talk "I'M-CONSUMED-WITH-GETTING-PREGNANT-SO I'M CHARTING-DOING OPKS-USING THE CBEFM-LIFTING MY BUTT UP AFTER SEX" talk, that means my first day of last period was 16 days ago. Well, guess what? IT HASN'T STOPPED YET.

Okay, here comes the most humiliating things that I had to go through in my life. My Endo is now living in Mexico and being that I didn't want to wait until I found a new one, I called my campus Gyno. I had never been to the campus Gyno, but one of my friends recommended Dr. Rory. (Name has been changed to save this poor Dr. from the embarrassment I put them through.) Well, my friend was all, "I love Dr. Rory! Go in! Dr. Rory is the best!" For some reason, I thought this "famous" Dr. Rory was, well, a female. Call me old fashion, call me a feminist, call me mental, I just did. When I get to this famous Dr. Rory, out comes a male doctor. Not just, a male Doctor, but it's Doogie-freaking-Howser!!

This was my face->



After talking to him for about 10 minutes and answering the most absurd questions (does he really need to know if I'm not satisfied with my sex life?), he says the dreaded words... "I'm going to have to do a pelvic exam."

I ask him, "Really? But, I just told you I was on my period. I just told you there have been these crazy monster sized... TMI UP AHEAD SO SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU'RE EASILY GROSSED OUT!! WARNING! WARNING! blood clots that are scaring the b'jeebies out of me. Do you really, really have to look in Ladyville? I mean, REALLY?"

He assures me that he has seen it all, done these examinations before and blood doesn't bother him. He called the nurse and as she arrived, so did the extreme burst of color to my face. I felt such embarrassment. It's bad enough to have a pap exam done when Red Fred is not around, but when he's here and he's throwing big heavy luggage at you, then well, it's horrific.

Everything was going well. For a brief moment, famous Dr. Rory was all, "there's just a little blood" and going on his merry way. He asks, "Does this hurt? Do you feel pain when I press here?" Nothing. I felt nothing.

Then, there was SILENCE. Not like the kind of silence when you know your doctor is hard at work, trying to figure out what's going on... but the kind of silence that makes you worry. The kind of silence you imagine is going on when someone's deep in thought trying to figure out the cure for cancer.

Suddenly, I look up and see his face. It looked like this->



He stutters a little and says, TMI UP AHEAD SO SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU'RE EASILY GROSSED OUT!! WARNING! WARNING! "I see... I see what you mean about monster sized blood clots." The nurse and him suddenly go all a frenzy. He asks her for tissue or a pad, or a newspaper to clean up the bloody mess. (Okay, I just added the last one in there to see if you were listening.)

THEN, I could feel panic. Tissues were flying like something exploded and fab Dr. Rory was trying to keep it from getting all over the table. I can just see it now. He's like, "La la la la la. I'm doing my job." Then, "Holy sh*t Batman! What's that?!" *SPLAT!* Seriously. There was some SERIOUS patting of Ladyville. I felt SO ashamed that Red Fred decided to toss out some heavy luggage when fabulous Dr. Rory was exploring Ladyville, that I didn't even look up.

Not more than a few minutes later, Dr. Rory asks me to sit up and abandons ship. He slips off his gloves, but I can clearly see he's holding something in one of his hands and does NOT want to open it. I don't even ask. We were all a dozen shades of red.

I warned Dr. Rory, but nooooo. He wanted to go in there. He didn't believe me when I said it was a hot mess down there.

Needless to say, fabulous Dr. Rory was not-so-fabulous and I have an appointment on the 27th with a specialist. All that embarrassment just to be redirected to someone else. All he could positively tell me, from the results that come in from the blood test I had done earlier, was that my cholesterol levels were fine. Um... okay.

Thanks for the most embarrassing moment of my life, Dr. Rory. I hope it stays in your mind forever, because it sure as hell will stay in mine.

Monday Weigh-In

Okay, I had to make an important change today, I had to adjust my ticker. lol I had it set to the highest weight I've ever been, so it was reading that I've lost 15 pounds. Technically, I have lost 15 pounds, but not since I started losing the weight this last time! I adjusted it so it was 5.2 pounds less, so now, all the weight my ticket says I lost, is from the time I started low carbing. Anyways, I weighed myself today and although it's not the big weight loss I had last week, it's still something... and that's good enough for me!

I lost 2.4 pounds!

I'm proud of myself for keeping on with the low carbing, even though I feel like sh*t. AF has been here through ALL of my low carbing and I'm about ready to crawl under a rock and die!! I have an appointment with my doctor on Thursday, so we'll see how it goes. *Ugh*

Okay, okay, this is a MOnday Weigh-In, not a Monday whine-in, so everyone can continue their regularly scheduled program!

"When are you going to have a baby?"

Yesterday, I received an e-mail from one of my friends. I knew her baby shower was coming up and sure enough, it was an e-vite. In the invitation, it said, “Hello mommy friends! I’m so happy to know I’m now going to be in the club! Please come and share my happiness. I love you all so much and hope to see you here!” I scrolled down to see if there was a personal message, and sure enough, there was. It said, “You might be thinking, “This b*tch is crazy! I’m not a mom! She knows I’ve been trying to have a baby for years!” But in my heart Aymen, you are a mother. You take care of your niece as if she was your own and you give her all the love you have. A mother isn’t the person who has a child, a mother is one who raises them. And you, my beautiful friend, are the best one I’ve met. I love you dearly. I know being around pregnant women and moms makes you uncomfortable, but please come. YOU know what I’ve gone through and understand. It just would be the same without you.”

My eyes suddenly got all teary. I love my friend and she would know better than anyone about infertility. She too struggled for years to have a child and she finally became pregnant. The thought about being around women, who all, I’m positive, were going to talk about stinky diapers and the best stroller to get… well, I just know I couldn’t handle it. Not right now. Not while I’m so vulnerable.

Within the last 10 months, both my sister and my sister-in-law gave birth to baby boys. There’s Xavier, who’s got the most loving eyes and beautiful laughter. He’s the most handsome little guy I’ve ever met. I’m in love with him every time I see him. Then there’s Deven, who’s only 4 months old but is already starting to show his personality. The way his hair naturally goes up into a mohawk, the way he kicks his little feet when he’s in the swing. His little grin can light up anyone’s day. I’m in love with him every time I see him too. Although my love is enormous for them, my desire for a baby of my own is just as big.

My boyfriend Ernest and I have been trying to have a child for the past 6 years. I can’t even count the pregnancy test, the hundreds of ovulation prediction kits and the thousands of tears I’ve shared. A few year ago, my beautiful sassy niece came to live with us part time. Leila has been the brightest spot in my life. She makes me so unbelievably happy when she’s around and I can feel the love she has for us is enormous. I love her so much, but she’s not ours to keep. We share her with her parents. Although she is the biggest motivation for me to get up in the morning, my goal is not to raise her forever, but to return her to my sister one day. I have detached myself just enough, so that I won’t fall into a depression once she is gone. How horrible of me, I know. It’s my survival mechanism, the way I’ll cope.

Today, one of my Aunts came to visit us. She is one out of the two Aunts who doesn’t have PCOS (there’s 7 Aunts in total) and who has been able to have children with absolutely no help. She must have asked me at least four times, “When are you going to have a baby?” At first I was really cool with it. I’m 34, I get this asked A LOT. What I don’t get is the constant asking from the same person. Towards the end, I wanted to slip away and have a meltdown in my bedroom. But how was I suppose to leave my aunt all alone in my living room?

Suddenly, relief came in form of my mother. When I walked out to greet her, I whispered, “I’m going to kill her if she asked me when I’m going to have a baby.” My mom’s always been there for me and knows (to an extent) what I’ve gone through. Everyday, we grow closer, but it’s still hard to open myself up. Only a few people know what I’ve felt (such as my cousin Jerika), because they’ve felt it too. They felt the pain of my miscarriage and the sadness I feel with each BFN. My mom though, she’s forever the optimist. She’s so proud that I went back to school. She keeps reminding me that I don’t have to give birth to a child necessarily and that there are hundreds of kids out there who need a home. They need me probably just as much as I need them, in a way.

Within minutes, my mom was occupying my aunt’s time. Everything went smoothly after that. Thank God for my mother. No more “When are you going to have a baby” flying my way. At least for today.

It’s amazing how one question can have such an enormous impact on me and in my life. It brings out the most vulnerable side of me. The side I dare not show strangers.

As I sit here, all I can think about is my friend’s baby shower and how I felt when my aunt asked me that question. As much as I love my friend, I’m going to have to decline her invitation… at least that’s my decision for right now. If I couldn’t handle a nosy, pushy aunt, how am I suppose to handle a large group of women in a baby shower? Unless I just wear a shirt that says, “Ask me when I’m going to have a baby if you want to get punched in the face,” there’s just no way around that one powerful question.

My low carb menu for the past 8 days...

Day 1

• Breakfast - Atkin's shake.
• Lunch- Tuna salad with mayo.
• Dinner- Meatballs (made with ground beef, spicy sausage, small pieces of onion and egg), zucchini "spagetti" and a jicama salad.

Day 2

• Breakfast- 3 hard boiled eggs and an Atkin's shake an hour later.
• Lunch/Dinner- Steamed chicken, cream of mushroom soup (made with chicken broth instead of milk), Jicama, cucumber and baby tomatoes with lime.

Day 3

• Breakfast- Scrambled eggs topped with green beans cooked in butter, jicama and cucumbers with lime and a tall glass of water.
• Lunch- Grilled cheese sandwich (made from low carb bread and two pieces of cheese), Jicama and cucumbers with lime and a tall glass of water.
• Dinner- Atkin's shake.

Day 4

• Breakfast- Low carb bread, spread with peanut butter. A plate with jicama lightly sweetened with Splenda and a tall glass of water.
• Lunch- A burrito made with a low carb tortilla, mayo, scrambled eggs and grilled hot dog slices. A tall glass of water.
• Dinner- Jicama, cucumbers and baby tomatoes with lime and a little bit of salt.
• Snack-Atkin's shake.

Day 5

• Breakfast- 3 Hard boiled eggs.
• Snack- Jicama.
• Lunch- Vinegared pork with hot sauce and a Diet Rite.
• Dinner- Atkin's shake.

Day 6

• Breakfast- 3 Hard boiled eggs.
• Snack- Atkin's shake.
• Lunch- Sandwich made with mayo, cheddar cheese, tomato, lettuce and low carb bread. A Diet Rite.
• Dinner- Not very hungry- Small pieces of cheddar cheese with a Diet Rite.

Day 7

• Breakfast- Cooked pork rinds in home made salsa and a bit of tomato sauce, 1 1/2 low carb tortillas and a Diet Rite.
• Snack- "Milky Jello" (Sugar-free jello made with two cups of heavy cream instead of two cups of cold water) with whipped cream.
• Lunch- Jicama and cucumbers with lime.
• Dinner- 2 Atkin's shakes.
• Snack- Beef Jerky.

Day 8 - Today 4/12/10

• Breakfast- French toast (1 low carb bread with one egg butter) topped with peanut butter sauce (peanut butter, a small amount of heavy cream and a bit of Splenda), decaf coffee with Splenda and a dash of heavy cream.
• Snack: Atkin's shake
• Lunch/Dinner: Open faced cheddar sandwich with mayo, olives
• Snack: Beef Jerky

Monday Weigh-In

I can't be on here long because I'm getting Leila ready for school, but I'm really happy with what the scale said. All my hard work paid off! I'm so happy I got the low carb bread and low carb tortillas because I didn't feel deprived AT ALL. So, here's the weight loss for the week!!

I lost 7.2 pounds!

I know this won't be a constant weight loss number, but I'm still stoked! I hope this keeps me motivated to keep on going strong. :)

My motivation to lose weight...

After many rounds of Clomid, we were recently told our next step is to move into the Femara world. I can't say that I'm excited about this new adventure. In fact, I'm so exhausted of taking so many fertility pills, the side effects and the headaches. Mentally, physically and emotionally, I feel I just can't do it. I decided soon after the word "Femara" came up to put TTC on hold, so I can get myself together, become healthy once again and lose weight.

The first time I became pregnant, I did it after losing about 25 pounds. I wasn't as heavy back then as I was now, so a 25 pound loss was significant. He/she was unplanned but very much wanted. Soon after finding out I was pregnant, I lost the baby. I was so hurt, but since I didn't even know I was pregnant and hadn't formed a connection with him/her yet, the grieving period was brief.

Then in 2003, I became pregnant again after losing about 30 pounds, but unfortunately lost the baby at 12 weeks. (Apparently, the baby stopped growing at 9 weeks.) I was well aware of this pregnancy, had seen the baby in an ultrasound and had already grown to love him/her. Soon after my D & C, I fell into a depression and gained back the weight plus more.

I think it's more than a coincidence that both times I lost significant weight, I became pregnant. I decided to try to lose weight once more and get myself healthy to hopefully become pregnant again, on my own, without fertility medication. This time I am also on Metformin, to possibly help with miscarriages.

How do I plan to lose the weight? Well, I've tried eating low fat for a few months but I wasn't losing much, if any weight. That's when I realized then that eating low fat helps me maintains my weight. I am insulin resistant and for some reason, low carbing is the only way I can lose the weight... so low carbing it is.

Tomorrow is my "weigh-in" day. I will come and post how much weight I've lost as soon as I find out.

You can follow my low carb, weight loss journey if you follow me on Twitter. Just click on the "Follow Me On Twitter" picture to the right of my blog. :)

First Post. Intro to my fertility issues.

I was officially diagnosed with PCOS in May 1998, after a m/c with my Ex Husband. Although I didn't know the name of what I had, I knew I had it since I was young. PCOS runs in my family and 5 out of 7 of my Aunt's from my Mother's side (in addition to my Mom) have it, although many have never had it offically diagnosed.

I've had two m/c's, one in 6/98 and one in 9/03. I was unaware I was pregnant the first time, but I had already grown to love the second baby. My 2nd m/c was very traumatic for me and hard because EJ was in Iraq during it, but we got through it and here we are, ttc once again.

The last doctor I visited suggested that I lose weight (about 30 pounds) before I begin TTC. I decided to finally follow his advice and start low carbing. Today is my 7th day of low carbing and it's been going great. I'm hoping to continue it until I lose enough weight were I would feel comfortable switching over to a low-fat diet, to maintain my weight. Because of my insulin resistance, low carbing has been the only way I've been able to lose weight, so I'm sticking to it!

I had another TTC journal that I had for the last few years, but I noticed I was negative on it from start to finish, so I decided to delete it and start a new. After much thinking and praying, I feel the motivation and strenght to start all over again...