Weigh-in...

With all the excitement of Leila's birthday party (and of the potato salad and piñata candy) I decided to just let my diet go and not weigh-in on Sunday. I've kept going to the gym and continued with my work out though, at least 5 times a week. So technically my weigh-ins haven't really been weekly, but maybe every 10 days to 2 weeks. Slowly, but surely, my weight has been going down. I credit this to low carbing, which I've been doing on and off since around June 22, 2011.

July 12, 2011

Highest Weight: 199 lbs

June 22, 2011 Weigh-in: 187 lbs

June 30, 2011 Weigh-in: 183.0 lbs

Current Weight: 176.4 lbs

Lowest Weight: 135 lbs

Total weight loss: 22.6 pounds

Thursday Weigh-In...

I am not sure what I weighed in the last time I was on here, but when I restarted my low carbing this time around, I was at 190 lbs.

It's so sad to me, because I still remember vividly when my weight varied from 150 to 159 lbs. I wouldn't let myself get over 160 lbs. and I felt really good at 150 lbs. I like being curvy, so it seemed like the perfect weight for me. For a moment, 190-199 lbs. was the new norm. I HATED IT, but it was what it was. For the past year, 180-189 lbs has been my norm, but I'm 4 pounds away from breaking it. I'm motivated and excited!

April 7th, 2011

Highest Weight*: 199 lbs

First weigh-in's weight: 190.0 lbs

Current Weight: 183.4 lbs

Lowest Weight: 135 lbs

Weight loss this week**: 6.6 pounds

Total weight loss: 15.6 pounds!

*The last time I was 199 was a few years ago, but I keep it up to remind me of my highest weight.

**I've been low carbing on and off for the past 8-10 days, but didn't weight myself at the one week point because I didn't have a scale.

What do you eat?!

I decided to do a picture post of the things I've been eating lately. The picture quality isn't as good on some of them, but you get the gist of it! I've been low carbing on and off, but since I've got to go in to see my dermotologist and my endocrinologist next month, I want to make sure I lose at least 15 pounds so they won't complain that I'm not serious about losing weight and having a baby. If you've got PCOS and you're overweight, you'll understand what I mean. Even though I know not all women with PCOS need to lose weight in order to get pregnant, it's something I feel adamant about doing, for myself. Gotta keep it up though! The clock is ticking!!

Okay, on to the pictures! Enjoy! :)

Chicken with creamy onion sauce, avocado and a tomato and cucumber salad.

Pizza (low carb tortilla, spaghetti meat sauce, cheddar cheese and jalapeno bits).

Open faced, egg salad on low carb bread sandwich.

Scrambled egg with low carb ketchup, hot links and cucumbers with chili powder.

Olive, cucumber, mushroom, tomato and orange salad, with a dash of

Shrimp, celery and cocktail sauce with lime juice.

Breaded chicken patties with mayo and chinese hot sauce, celery and baby tomatoes. (A bit carby side (14 carbs per pattie, I know! YIKES!) but I ate a patty and a half, so I redeemed myself. lol)

I made this yesterday and really liked it!

Chilli and basil chicken.

Back on the saddle... again.

As of lately, I’ve realized that I break my low-carbing eating habits when I am not near my house. As hard as I try to continue my diet, I find my will power is incredibly low if a Starbucks frappuccino or a McDonald’s smoothie is sitting right in front of me. Don’t get me wrong, if you’re exercising and eating healthy, those two things are fine to eat, but when you’re low carbing, they are the devil.

A few days ago, I had to drive my parents up two hours north so they could meet with their attorney. I was doing well with my low carbing (that I started up again a few days earlier), and was drinking a lot more water than you should while on a road trip. I brought a few little bags of celery and some jicama too, but upon arrival to our destination, I found myself STARVING. I swear, I went psycho and all I could think about was a nice hot Starbucks with one of their delicious pumpkin bread. That was the end of my low carbing streak. The carb crazy girl inside of me won.

Instead of continuing my low carbing once I got home, or even the next day for that matter, I decided that a big bowl of cereal sounded much better. The next day, fried donuts. The day after that, a tamarind flavored slushy. Note: The "Raspado de Tamarindo" is pictured to the right. Nom nom nom. (That actually sounds fantastic right now! lol) Whatever the food, it sounded BETTER than to low carb.

I’ve always said my boyfriend sabotages my diet by offering me anything he is eating, which is usually not very healthy and full of carbs. Unfortunately though, I am my own worst enemy when it comes down to it. I choose not to put the right foods in my mouth. Because of my insulin resistance and because of PCOS, low carbing quite honestly IS the “right foods.”

So this morning, the first thing I did after brushing my teeth was start planning out my meals for the day. I’m not so worried about tomorrow, but just today. “One day at a time,” I keep telling myself. For breakfast, it was a low carb shake. For lunch, it was faux mashed potatoes (made out of cauliflower. The recipe is linked to the picture down below somewhere.), jalapeno poppers (jalapeno peppers stuffed with cream cheese and wrapped with bacon) and two thin slices of turkey with gravy. I tried to scrape away most of the gravy though, because THAT’S where the carbs are. Also, I’ve drank about 34 oz of water so far, so I still need to keep that up.

It’s funny because I found some old pictures yesterday and I can’t believe the difference in the way I looked. I was about 140 pounds and looked AH-MAY-ZING! I could tell I was at a much happier place there with my body, just by the way I was dressed.

I’m not going to promise that I will keep on this low carb road forever, but most likely until I reach a place where I love my body once more. Then I’ll most likely just eat low fat again, which seems to maintain my weight. That’s always been my master plan, time and time again. But I’m not going to beat myself up today, just try to keep myself on that low carb saddle .

Life goes on...

The last few days have been so exhausting. I've been feeling like I'm getting sick and not eating as I should. I've been eating a lot of fruit, soups and whatever else my boyfriend's been making. I weighed myself this morning and I'm at 185 lbs. Up . some thing or other. I don't know what's gotten into me, but I've been sleeping a lot too. I'm pregnant, just, stressed, sick or whatever.

At night, my body is physically tired but I'm not sleepy. I started taking Nyquil too, because I felt like I was getting sick, then I read that it has 19 carbs in each dose. GREAT!

Needless to say, I haven't been low carbing in about a week or so, so I'm sure that's been affecting my body/mind as well. Low carbing always makes me feel better.

I went shopping yesterday for veggies, and decided to start low carbing again today, but my stomach didn't take to the eggs I made this morning and I decided to slice apples and eat them with oatmeal. I think I'll start tomorrow instead. I think I've reached the end of this love/hate relationship with eggs and it's now a hate/hate relationship! lol I'm about to sit down and plan out a weeks worth of meals. It's always SO much easier when I have everything planned.

Anyways, here's a few of the things I was eating while I was low carbing...

Green olives, cheese sticks, peanuts and cucumbers with chili powder. (Note: I didn't eat the whole thing. I had company and these were the snacks I put out.)

Chicken soup with cabbage, celery, tomatoes, a carrot and zucchini.

Made with chicken broth and water.

Do I really look like THAT?

I remember when I was in my early 20s and thought I was Shamu. I specifically remember a road trip to Texas, where I was so paranoid that my legs and arms were HUGE so I didn'twant anyone to see them. Texas didn't disappoint with it's 90 degree temperatures, but that didn't stop me from wearing a small sweater over my tube top dress. Now that I think about it, if I was thin enough to wear a tube top dress, then I wasn't fat enough to hide my arms and legs! All of my family and friends said I looked wonderful, but in my eyes, I was Jabba the Hut. The picture to the right is on one of the stops on our road trip. I was a size M shirt and probably about a size 9 shorts/pants. Notice that my face is the same color as the rest of my body, not this awful red/rosacea colored. Man, I regret not enjoying myself more.

When I met EJ, my weight had gone up from about 150, to about 160. I didn't feel much different. My face was still clear and I still could wear fairly decent clothes. I started noticing an issue with my tummy around this time though. I didn't care though, I felt so sexy and happy with my curves. I remember that I was still not eating past 6pm here and my eating habits were still pretty good. I loved my body still, but more likely than not, the lights were not "off" during boom boom time.

I remember the day my cousin and I took a trip to Las Vegas. It was hot as hell but I didn't want to wear anything too revealing. After a few hours of walking around and sweating like a hog, I decided to wrap the sweater I was wearing around my waist and say, "Forget it!" I weighed in about 175-180 here. By this time, the rosacea had crept in and my eating habits were just plain awful. I still tried to dress nicely, but I wasn't wearing anything too sexy or too form fitting. Lights "on" during boom boom was not an option anymore.

This group of pictures are just plain awful. The one to the far left is the result of me stopping my partying, no more dancing, going out and having fun. I began to stay home more and eat. My choices were not so healthy anymore. :( That was probably the highest I ever got, 199. I don't even remember being in the 180s! The middle picture was of when I went with EJ to the beach. I can't believe that I didn't want to show my arms during my trip to Texas (first picture) but I was willing to take it all off here. I probably weighed in at about 195. I can't really tell because it really feels like a memory, jumping from the 160s to the 190s. The last picture is me, probably still around the low 190s. I cut my head off because I looked more than enthused in the picture.

Okay, so finding a recent full body picture of me is damn near impossible now a days. This is one that's pretty recent, at least a few months old though, but it looks like I'm where I am now. I might have skipped the 180s before, but it's where I find myself at now. I weighed in today (although my real weigh-in is on Tuesday) and I came in at 184.6. 5 pounds away from the 170s... yeaaahhh!! I really dislike my body now, lights off during boom boom and now, EJ has to leave the room while I change because I don't like my body AT ALL. I'm at war with it. I'm more at war with it now than when I was in the 190s because I've been stuck here for a while now. My face is a constant shade of red, I'm breaking out a lot more too. I just recently started low carbing again, but my eating habits depend on my mood, which is not good since lately I've been so tired and overwhelmed. I'm just at an all around bad spot right now. I've noticed now that I've developed a somewhat rather ugly double chin now too, that hides and turns into a turkey neck. Yes. I'm critical of myself. Stretch-marks, jiggling, and lights off... all are now a part of my life.

So there you have it. My weight journey, with pictures to boot. Usually people put pictures of their weight loss journey, but I haven't gotten there yet. I'm showing pictures of how my body evolved into what it is today. I miss my old body. I miss having self esteem. I miss being able to run up a flight of stairs and not feel like I'm dying when I hit the top.

I have to also mention that I became pregnant twice before, both ending in a miscarriage. With what I know now of PCOS, progesterone deficiency and Metformin, I'm hoping things will end up differently if I become pregnant again. The first time I became pregnant I was about 150, the second around 155. My goal weight is 145 this time around, but I will be setting little goal weights as I go along. My first goal weight for this Tuesday is 182. Tw0 pound to go, which means I would have lost 5 pounds in one week. I'm not sure I can do it, I can try!

Okay, here ends my little post journey for today. I'm motivated but disappointed all the same. I mean, honestly, do I really look like that?! :(

Day 2...

It's been so long since I came on here. So much has happened since then. The biggest being that I went in to see an Endocrinologist and a Dermatologist. Of course, the first thing the Endo did was place me on the birth control pill. The Dermatologist took me off of the prenatals and told me they were the cause of some of the face issues I was having.

I'd like to say that I kept up with my diet and that I'm doing wonderfully, but to be honest, the last few months have been really awful. My mother and baby brother have been in and out of the hospital, I still haven't been able to find a job and because of a situation neither EJ or I can handle, we might have to move within the next few months.

It's been overwhelming and stressful, to say the least.

Monday, I had a very bad experience with a dress. If I tell you the story though, don't laugh at me. Cry, with me. ;)

I went to the thrift store to get out of the house and I found the most beautiful little black dress, with tags still on it. It was a 25 dollar dress for 10. SCORE! It said it was a size 14, so I thought, "OF COURSE THIS WILL FIT ME!" I was so please with my find and almost fainted when I found the exact same dress and size, but in grey! Oh yeah!! "It is my lucky day," I thought to myself, "I found a black leather jacket that fit like a glove (size M which made no sense), and two beautiful work dresses."

When I got home, I pulled off my pants and shirt and reached for the black dress. I didn't even bother to unzip it because well, it was a size 14!! It should just 'slip' right on. As soon as I put it on though, I realized that it was a little snug. After yanking it over my boobs, I realized it was a BIG mistake to try to put the dress on this way.

So, I tugged upwards but the dress wouldn't budge. My boobs and probably my fat too, were holding the dress in place. I didn't know what to do, but kept on pulling upwards. After about 5 minutes of pulling, the burning sensation around the area that was stuck inside the dress was awful. My body and fingers started getting sore and hurting. I felt defeated and threw myself on to the bed, where I had a good cry. With my arms and hands stretched out upwards and my lower half pretty much naked (I was wearing the cutest polka dotted underwear though), I debated on whether I should call my mom over, so she could help me. I just couldn't imagine having her see my naked lower body, all lumpy and white as uncooked chicken.

After a good cry, I decided to go back at the pulling. I managed to roll the dress down and get my fingers under the bottom part of the dress and pull it up over my boobs, very very slowly. Within a few minutes, I was free.

I sat in my room and gave the dress the stink eye. "What happened? It's a size 14?! A SIZE 14!!!!" I just couldn't fathom it. I decided to see how much I weighed after that... 187.6 lbs. UGH.

That day, I decided that I had to go back on a diet, whether I liked it or not. After I stopped the birth control pills (two months ago), I was at 185 lbs. I had actually gained weight (190 lbs.) and then lost 5 pounds. Our first cycle after I got off BCPs was a BFN. This last cycle will probably be a BFN because we only managed to boom boom once, because of the craziness that has been going on here.

I'm suppose to go back to my Endo and my Dermo this month, but I've decided to skip yet another month, to get my weight down. They're going to be SO mad at me, because they both wanted me to be at least 20 pounds thinner after the 3 months on BCPs, and I've gained weight instead.

So for the next few weeks, I decided to low carb. My good old reliable way to lose weight and make my body feel fabulous. I'm ready for it.

Here's my meals so far:

Day 1-

Breakfast: Low carb shake

Lunch: Big salad with cucumbers, mushrooms and spicy italian dressing

Dinner: Two strips of beef ribs and asparagus

Snack: Two low carb shakes, blended with ice and topped with whipped cream

Water: I sucked! 4 of the small water bottles.

Day 2-

Breakfast: 4 egg omelette (I only ate half) with cheddar cheese inside, green beans fried in butter and decaf coffee with Splenda, no milk.

I figured I'll keep at it as long as I can, which is usually about 2-3 weeks. I LOVE fruit, so it's always really difficult for me to continue to low carb.

Anyways, the TTC is pretty much at a standstill because we're so stressed out. I have a feeling that next month will be a lot better than this month, because I'm positive by then I'll be at least 10 pounds thinner and will be able to see both my Endo and Dermo without having to cringe too badly at the scale. I'm also hoping my Endo will put me on Femara, for the Clomid isn't doing anything for me but making me a mega-bitch. :(

I guess that's all for now. Wish me luck!

Starting month #2!

Tonight, I start taking Diane and Androcur for the second month.

I called in to speak to the doctor today because I was told my AF was suppose to show up on the 3rd day I had stopped taking my birth control pill. No such luck. AF decided to show up on the very last day of the 7 day window, which is TODAY, and has made me feel completely gross.

I'm positive I haven't lost more weight, but I feel so bloated and unhappy, it could just be AF talking. Not to mention my face completely broke out, so not only do I feel all bloated and lumpy like the elephant man, but look like him too. Go me!

I have spent the day doing laundry and just hanging out with my guy. I'm so grateful for him and his way. He's so patient and caring towards me. I'm blessed. Although I must say that that sometimes I want to hug him till he pops and sometimes... I just want to pop him. Hehe. I know he'll be a good father. I just hope it will soon.

Okay, here's to month #2! To losing weight, fixing hormones and babies...

Don’t Act Stupid Around The Hormonal Girl…

I finally finished my last pill of Androcur a few days ago and I must say, I can totally see the difference is the amount of stray hairs that grow on my chin. I know, it’s gross, but if you could read my Dr. Rory post, then you’ll be okay.

I remember going to the library while in college and checking out a book on “women of the circus,” for a paper I wanted to do for a Women’s Studies class. Deep in the reading, I found out that the “bearded lady” actually had PCOS. Here's a picture of her if you have NO idea what a "bearded lady" looks like, because you're not old like me. I took the picture from the BLOA website. That's the "Bearded Ladies of America." Just kidding. I just made that up.

This could be me!!! D-: ->

After reading about the beaded lady, was shocked at what hormones could do to a woman! I felt pretty lucky back then for not having but one or two little stray suckers. Of course, it’s evolved from 1 to 2, to more like 8 to 10 since then. I guess I could still own the “bearded lady” title by the time I’m in my 70s but lets hope it doesn’t come to that! Anyways, my chin is feeling and looking a lot better. Thank you Androcur! Even though you screwed me up emotionally and made me into a basket case, you still rock!

I’m so ready to get on with the show though. Taking all these pills to “regulate” my hormones has actually screwed me up completely. I know in the end, I’ll be better, but for now, I either want to kill everyone or cry my eyes out! Every little thing gets to me. I need a fence around me with a sign that says, “Don’t be stupid around the hormonal girl, or she will bite.” I can handle the horrible tender boobs and the nausea, but the headaches and the bitchiness need to stop. Plus, I’m always so tired. This is no fun. I need to be energetic and motivated for my job search, but instead I’m exhausted and sluggish. To top it off, I'm so intolerant of things. Poor EJ. I'm sure he's wondering how we're suppose to have a baby if I yell at him if he even looks at me funny.

Me yelling at EJ because he didn't feed the dogs. ->

He tries to hug me, I complain about my boobs hurting. He tries to get romantic, I ask him, "what did you do?" He doesn't do something the way I want (aka the right way) and I get SO upset. He can be a complete ass too, don't get me wrong, but lately, I haven't let him get away with too much and have called him on everything, so there is no harmony in this house.

I keep telling myself it will only be until December, so lets hope it goes by quickly. I’m keeping everything crossed... except maybe, my legs? *giggle* Okay, bad joke.

I also weighed myself this morning, because I’m a masochists and needed that extra kick to bring me even more down. Here are the stats.

October 7, 2010

Highest Weight: 199 lbs

First weigh-in's weight: 193.8 lbs

Current Weight: 187.6 lbs

Lowest Weight: 135 lbs

Weight lost this past week: 2 pounds

I guess it’s a start. I feel so incredibly bloated though and the vision of chugging down water is SO unappealing to me. Ugh! I feel SO bobby.

Me ->

I’m suppose to go walking today, since yesterday was my day off, so I will be heading out to Coronado Island later tonight, if it doesn’t rain. If it does, I’m going to have to make up some kind of exercise thing up in my living room. Maybe find one of my old yoga DVDs or lock myself in my bedroom and pretend I’m the trainer in some show and make stuff up as I go. lol I’m so kre8tiv. I know.

Here's to hoping my hormones even out more and harmony returning into my home.

Lions and tigers and OPKs?

So today, I finally got my packages in the mail. I was like a little girl at christmas time. My boxes of ovulation kits came in today. It's almost absurd how excited I was, especially because I've been using opks for the last 450 years. I decided to order them online and go for the Clearblue Easy ones. I figure, I might as well get them, since we're getting all hard core about TTC. I've never used the digital ones, so I'm a little excited. Here's a short conversation between my boyfriend and I after I opened the box.

Me: These are so cool! They show a happy face if you're ovulating!

EJ: If you're not, do they give you a sad face?

Me: No, but I'll have a sad face! *giggle*

I would jump off the Coronado bridge if I had to see a sad face every day! LOL Okay, maybe not jump off the bridge, but at least I'd have a good cry! Good job Clearblue Easy! For thinking this through! I would rather see a blank circle than a sad face!

I also should be receiving the test strips for the Ovulation monitor that has been sitting in my closet for the last year. I should probably buy some batteries for it as well. My sleeping schedule is so crazy that this may jut be a complete waste! Lately, I've been getting up once or twice times a night to go to the rest room and to check in on Leila. If only I could sleep through the night! What a wonderful thing that would be.

Another thing I'll be getting into again is charting my morning temperature, to get in the practice of taking it at the same time. I hope I can work on it and also get my sleeping schedule fixed or else it will be useless.

Tomorrow will be a good exercise day, because I will do lots of walking up in Julian for "Apple Days." Just have to watch what I eat! So much yummy stuff. I'm getting use to walking every other day though, so I'm proud of myself.

Exercise -check
Weight loss- working on it!
OPKs- check
Fixing hormones- working on it!
Temp charting- in the future, so check!

I'm happy that I'm getting things together. I'm trying to stay positive! The only thing that brings me a little down is that the opks and the monitor might not even work on me. I've read so many girls who get opks and these expensive monitors and NOTHING. Something about PCOS interferes with things. Our bodies just suck. We have too much of some hormones and sometimes, not enough of the important ones. -sigh- I figure I'd give it a go. We have nothing to lose and everything to gain, right?

So, in a nutshell, I'm going to be peeing on everything, so you might now want to leave your keys next to me... :p

Enough

I’m haven’t update in such a long time. I feel almost embarrassed to post. My endo visits have been all but unproductive lately, mostly because of my lack of motivation. I feel guilty, embarrassed and ashamed. I want to have a baby so badly, but I’m just not doing as I’m being told. After visiting her twice and receiving back my blood test, I was told my testosterone was too high. Not incredibly high, but enough to screw up my body. I had noticed a lot more chin hairs lately, plus the weight I had slowly put on was mostly on my upper body, “wrestler type”, but I didn’t put it together.

The Endo and spoke and we decided to wait to TTC for now, and I was placed on Diane (birth control) and Androcur (a testosterone blocker) for 3 months. I left her office disappointed and discouraged. What bothered me more was that I failed the goal I had made 7 weeks prior to my last appointment… to lose weight. I’ll be honest, I’ve never been a size 6 and I’ve never weighed 115 pounds. Maybe when I was 10? Who knows! I’m only 5’4 and my body, for as long as I can remember, has had curves. When I was younger, I thought I was HUGE. Now that I look back, I was the right weight and shape for my height. Society and peer pressure has seriously jaded my opinion of my body throughout my lifetime.

When I was 19, I think my body was at it’s best. I was about 150 and the weight was proportionally all in the right place. I felt confident and had tons of energy. When I turned 23 and got married, I went off the pill and all hell broke loose. Weight gain, hair loss, acne, chin hairs, no periods at all… it was hell. My self esteem plummeted and my marriage became rocky and ended. After many test and procedures, the conclusion was PCOS. I was devastated. Too much, too soon. It all hit me like a brick wall.

“Get on the scale.” The endo as she read my chart. “You weighed in at 187 seven weeks ago. Lets see how much you’ve lost.” My heard sunk as I slowly walked to the scale. Although my clothes felt a little lose, I knew I hadn’t lost weight. I had weighed myself earlier in the morning and was at that same weight. “185. Two pounds.” She said after sliding the little square weight thing all over the place. She glanced and we made eye contact, then she looked down at the chart and started to write things down again. I couldn’t help but think she felt disappointed. Not that she did, but the look said it all. “Well, your blood pressure is okay and I’m glad you’re losing weight. I know it can be difficult.” She continued to write things down and not make eye contact.

“My pants fit looser but I’m just not seeing it on the scale.” I said hanging my head in disappointment. She remained quiet and walked to her desk.

“Sit down honey.” She said taking a breath. That was the beginning of a long lecture. My endo was right though. My body is all kinds of messed up. It’s up to ME to fix it. It’s already proven that I can get pregnant when I lose weight. Now that I’m on Met, it might help keep me pregnant. I can’t blame anyone else. It’s no one’s fault BUT my own. If I want to get pregnant, I have to do something about it. I have lose the weight. I have to fix my hormones. I have to exercise and make my body healthy. I have to make the changes. It’s like that saying, “If you what you’ve always done, you get what you’ve always gotten.”

I must say that one of my biggest loves (besides my family, the ocean and the sky) has always been food. I just LOVE food. Bread is sexy. Sugar makes me hot. Pasta… well, we won’t talk about pasta. –smiles- I have to change my relationship with food though. I have to end my love affair with it and start to adore fruits, veggies, fish and chicken. I have to stop and think of what I’m putting in my mouth. I have to walk wherever I can and take the stairs. I shouldn’t just “go on a diet,” but “change my way of living.” I HATE being fat. HATE it. It’s not only TTC, but everyday life. My self esteem, my sex life, my energy level… it’s all gone down BECAUSE I HATE the way my body looks.

After I got home, I cried so hard. I felt like a failure. To make things worse, I did exactly what I shouldn’t have done. I sat down with a box of oreo cookies and a big glass of milk and just… ate. I ate away my sadness. After I was done, I felt HORRIBLE. This was the first time I had EVER done this. This is not me. So, what did I do? I continued the pig-out fest for the next few days.

When the Diane and the Androcur started kicking me butt, I felt HORRIBLE. I was exhausted, my boobs hurt and all I wanted to do was sleep. This has continued pretty much since them, until four days ago. It ate pretty much whatever I could because of the nausea. Cheese sandwiches? Yes please. Raviolis and bread with butter? Sure thing!

Then four days ago, I started to feel better. As I lay in bed, I started reevaluating the situation. Who was I hurting by over eating? I was only hurting myself. I realized then that with every piece of cake, with every chocolate and bread I ate, I was pushing away a baby from my life. With every sandwich and hamburger, I was guaranteeing the lights would be off when my boyfriend and I made love. It just kinda… clicked, right then and there. I realized I was hurting myself and killing my vision of having a baby.

Being that I wasn’t dying of exhaustion, I decided to take advantage of it. I started walking and using a pedometer to keep track. I walked on the 28th but I never saved the post and I accidentally erased it when I logged in today. –sigh- Here's what I remember though...

Sept. 28,2010
Steps: -
Distance (mi): 1.-
Calories: 100.-
Time (min): 38.00
Avg. Speed (m/h): -

Sept. 30, 2010
Steps: 2585
Distance (mi): 1.147
Calories: 90.4
Time (min): 23.20
Avg. Speed (m/h): 2.9

Here are my other stats. Sad little stats they are...

My last weigh-in...

May 29th, 2010
Highest Weight: 199 lbs
First weigh-in's weight: 193.8 lbs
Current Weight: 182.6 lbs
Lowest Weight: 135 lbs

My weigh in the day before yesterday...

September 28th, 2010
Highest Weight: 199 lbs
First weigh-in's weight: 193.8 lbs
Current Weight: 189.6 lbs
Lowest Weight: 135 lbs

My poor little butterfly is pissed on now. It had to fly backwards. :(



I’m on day 13 of Diane and Androcur. I stop Androcur in 2 days and Diane ends on day 21. Then there are 7 days when my period should come and the cycle of meds begin again. That will be month 2. For the last four days, I have eating healthy and have been happy. I am hoping to go grocery shopping later today and will most likely begin my low carb diet. It NEED this for myself.

I'm going to make the change. I know I've said this a thousand times, but this is it. I'm going to give it my all for the next year. I know I have a thousand other things to juggle (like finding a full time job), but I have my boyfriend's full support, along with my family's unconditional love, but I know I can do it. I can fix my body and give it the best chance to have a baby. If we our best and nothing works though, then we will probably give up on the whole pregnancy thing (at least for a while) and start researching foster care and adoption. I know we will love ANY child God sends our way.

I know this post is super long, but I’ve had so much emotions, concerns and anger in my heart. I just wanted to get it all out. If you can relate, have advice or comments, please let me know. I need all the support I can get. I feel like I’m climbing a never ending mountain and having people around who know what I’m dealing with means so much to me.

<3 Aymen

My face! My face! My face is on FIRE!

After being on the birth control pill for 3 months, I was so very excited to end this phase and start on the actual TTC phase of our journey. I was counting down the days. I had it marked on my calendar. I was ready to hit the road running! But now, there is a huge hurdle in my path.

A few days ago, my face became swollen, red and covered in acne. I have rosacea so I just assumed I was having a bad flare up, but this time, it was different. It actually HURT to touch my face and no amount of make-up could hide the redness.
My aunt decided enough was enough, and booked me an appointment with her Dermatologist and she slapped me with the hard reality that again, my hormones were to blame. She sat there, in her perfect Barbie like self, and told me I needed to go to an Endocrinologist and to lose weight. Yes. She went THERE.

She ran some test, touched and poked then put a blue light to my face, looked at the photos I brought her and asked me a million questions before she came to the conclusion, but it stung just the same. She told me that the moment I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovaries, the problems began and that the diabetes, the adrenal gland problems and the rise in testosterone all go hand in hand. “It’s hormonal. You need to get that fixed before I can even begin to work on your face. Your face is so damaged, that I can’t do anything hard core to it now.” I wanted to cry, but I sucked it up. I needed to hear this. The biggest knot in my throat came when she said, “You’ve been misdiagnosed for 13 years. You’ve been having hormonal problems for more than 13 years. You will not get what you want unless you change your eating habits NOW and unless we get your hormones in control.”

I know what you’re thinking… if she tells you that you can’t get pregnant because of your weight, tell her to f-off and move on. What she’s telling me though, is that with the weight increase, the screwed up hormones and my rosacea combination, it’s causing havoc on my face and my body. Fix these things and I have a great chance of getting pregnant.

I don’t care what anyone says, I’ve seen this time and time again… some women, and I will repeat it again, SOME women, have a horrible time getting pregnant when they are overweight and have PCOS. The moment they lose the weight, they become pregnant naturally. I fall under that category.

She wanted to run a craptacular amount of blood test, but after she found out I was on the birth control pill for 3 months, she became frustrated and said that the result wouldn’t be “true” results, because my hormones have been changed because of the BCPs. I have to take the whole craptacular amount in September, when she feels they would all be completely out of my system.

I have an Endocrinologist appointment today at 2:30 p.m. and she will be doing a ton of blood work, at my Dermatologist request. I hope she finds some answers for me. I would love it if instead of trying to get rid of the symptoms, they got rid of the reason behind the symptoms.

So that’s where I’m at. TTC with fertility meds is out of the questions for now. If we want to TTC naturally, she said she wouldn’t stop us though, but she feels fixing my hormones and face will get me to my goal (having a baby) just the same.

I honestly don’t know what to feel, but I have to stay positive. Everything happens for a reason, right? She wants to see me 10-20 pounds thinner by the time I see her again in 6 weeks. Time to work hard and get this weight off me. Back to low carbing it is…

What do you eat while low carbing? Well, here are some examples!

Lately, I've been asked what I eat while low carbing. I always list off some of meals I make, but sometimes, I can't remember! So I decided to take pictures of the low carb meals, as I make them.

I've been meaning to post some pictures of the dishes I eat while low carbing, but I haven'tbeen low carbing lately so I keep forgetting! I've been taking a break from low carbing for the last week or so because it's been SO hectic in my life. With finals and graduation, I can barely find time to cook. I've gone overboard with the eating lately, and have indulged in just about everything. My biggest weakness is chocolate and bread, and boy have I eaten enough of them! Ugh! I have been feeling completely sluggish and have gained some of the weight I've lost. I don't know how much because I haven't weighed myself for a while, since my sister borrowed my scale and has yet to bring it back. I think it's a good thing though, because I have been able to focus on school and having the best possible time I can at my graduation dinner and celebration weekend.

Today is my Day 1, so I will begin my low carb journey once again. My body is ready to feel leaner and I can't wait to get the next 2 months down so I can once again begin my TTC journey.

Anyways, here's some of the food I eat while low carbing. I'm not a big "meat eater" but I try to include it in there whenever I can. I love jicama and cucumbers when I low carb, so you will see them quite a bit. :)

Home made "chicken nuggets" with low carb ketchup and sour cream. (You can see my boyfriend's french fries in the back. :O lol

Baby tomatoes, jicama, cucumbers, broccoli, cauliflower and ranch sauce.

Shrimp with home made low carb cocktail sauce.

"Huevos Rancheros"

Low carb tortilla topped with scrambled eggs and pork rinds in home made salsa, with a hotdog.

"Just Like Stuffed Baked Potatoes"

Crock-pot meal: Cabbage, mushrooms, beef, zucchini "stew."

Jicama, cucumbers, scrambled eggs and green beans cooked in butter, with low carb ketchup.

Cream of mushroom soup made with chicken broth instead of milk and chunks of chicken.

Jicama, cucumber, baby tomatoes and lemon-aid with mint and splenda.

Faith

“More than a 50 people have seen my Ladyville,” I thought to myself as my gynecologist was checking me out yesterday. I looked up to the ceiling and started counting each doctor I had seen since my quest began to get pregnant. I got up to 10, but then realized that they were the most recent ones and I just couldn’t remember the rest.

I’m not sure if you recall, but the fabulous Dr. Rory sent me to a specialist after our little embarrassing moment. After calling local doctors and finding out the cost to see one on my own (I currently do not have insurance so every test, visit and medicine has been paid out-of-pocket), I quickly decided that I was going to accept fab Dr. Rory’s recommendation and went to my appointment. He said Dr. Shay (name changed to protect her wonderful self lol) is a specialist with PCOS and not only has her own practice, but works one day a week at Planned Parenthood. Score! A real doctor and I don’t have to pay for it!

After filling out papers, peeing in a cup “just in case” I was pregnant *rolling my eyes* and waiting an hour among teenage girls needing birth control, or PRAYING not to be pregnant or infested with STD’s, I was called. The medical assistant walked me over to the little area where the pee cups were and there sat my little test, with one little sad lines. I was crushed when I notices that the other cups had test strips with two lines on them. I had a feeling the owners of the other cups wouldn’t have been as happy as I would have been in my test had two lines.

She looked down at my test, wrote something down and then asked me to follow her to the doctor’s office. That’s where I met the wonderful Dr. Shay.

I sat with her for about 10 minutes and we discussed the situation. Usually, she’s not suppose to help girls get pregnant. Planned Parenthood helps girls and guys protect themselves and pushes family planning. She was so sweet and understood my situation. After she drew a chart explaining what was going on with my body (DAMN YOU PCOS), she walked me over to where she would check Ladyville out.

After a few minutes of laying there trying to count the doctors who have seen Ladyville, she decided to check my ovaries. She said they felt normal and told me everything looked good. It made me feel hopeful. She then told me that what I’ve told her and from what she’s seen in the blood results, she suggested that I keep losing weight and go on birth control for 3 months. *POP* Went the bubble of hope I had floating over me.

NOOOOO! Not the dreaded BCP!

She said that being that I just had the longest AF and the biggest clots, she suggested that I get my hormones in order first, then to come back after I was almost done with my BCPs and we would take the next step then. She also suggested that my BF have his little men checked, so we know all is good.

I’m speechless, but I think I will do as she wishes. As much as I wanted to start the TTC journey next month, I agree, my body is "out of whack" right now... more than normal too!

I’m hoping by then I’ll have a full time job with medical insurance and be settled in. So much is going on… so much stress coming at me from different directions… it’s the right thing to do. At least this is what I'm telling myself so I don't break down crying.

As I was leaving, there were two teenagers outside sitting on the bench. I could hear one tell the other, everything is going to be okay," while the other sobbed uncontrollably. I could hear the girl's faint voice say, "My mom's going to kill me," as I walked up the stairs.

As I sat inside my car and had a moment to absorbed what was just said to me, I could feel my eyes swell up with tears. It was tough to stay positive and to be strong, when all I wanted to do was cry. Cry for the way my body has betrayed me. Cry for the miscarriages I've had. Cry for the countless times I've seen a pregnancy test with one line. Cry for the girls who take their children for granted and don't realize what a blessing they are. Cry for not being able to give my boyfriend, whom I love so much, a child.

Then I remembered what someone recently said to me... "God may not come when you want him, but He's always on time." Sometimes I forget to have faith, take it one day at a time, leave it in his hands and just... breath.

I will continue to low carb and lose as much weight as I can during these three months. It’s going to be tough. I will miss feeling part of the TTC communities I'm in and talking about OPKs, temping, charting and everything else related to making a baby, but hopefully it will all work out in the end. I have faith in myself and in God, that everything will work out in the end... the way it was meant to.

Monday Weigh-In

Okay, so I decided to disclose my weight. I'm being brave here. I usually don't tell anyone my weight and my BF is clueless about it, mostly because he's usually about the same friggin weight as I am! I'm FINALLY smaller than him though and it brings me a bit of satisfaction. He's currently 193, which was my starting weight. He's also 5'11. I'm only 5'4. Blah.

So this past week was really stressful for me. With the never ending AF, homework, my internship, my niece becoming sick and then my brother heading into the hospital. It was not fun. Not to mention the fact I became addicted to these amazing cooked pork rinds! I'm almost ashamed to tweet what I ate because I've been eating them A LOT. And when I say A LOT, I mean A LOT! Somehow though, I managed to lose some weight. I'm so happy with myself. Proud, you can say. I'm dreading this next week though because I usually make it to 180.0 and then, something inside happens. I just... give up. Good-bye low carb! Hello sweet bread! Yeah. That's my weakness. So the next few weeks are going to be tough. I'm currently motivated. I have graduation on the brain and want to look decent when I take my pictures, but even so, stress is all around me. I will survive this though. I have faith I will.

So, here are my stats!

April 26th, 2010
Highest Weight: 199 lbs
First weigh-in's weight: 193.8 lbs
Current Weight: 181.4 lbs
Lowest Weight: 135 lbs

Weight loss this week: 2.6 pounds

Total weight loss: 12.4 pounds!

"Red Fred Strikes Again"

You know what I hate most about having PCOS? The "randomness that is my body". The "never being able to get close enough to people, or let anyone touch my face because there is hair where there need not be any". The "never being able to wear white pants because I never know when Red Fred is going to stick his ugly head in". The "constant wondering if I'm pregnant and peeing on a dozen sticks and getting nothing but Big Fat Negatives (BFN), then waiting a few days and getting the itch to pee on a dozen more pregnancy test, just in case the first dozen were WRONG". The "being a lot heavier than my sister, who is not only 5 times smaller, but eats like a starved pig". The... okay, I'll stop.

Today, I had to go through the most humiliating thing EVER. I've had a reverse period. You know, you start off light and then it gets all, "Holy crap! Who opened the flood gates?!" as it goes alone. I'm on CD16. For those of you who don't talk "I'M-CONSUMED-WITH-GETTING-PREGNANT-SO I'M CHARTING-DOING OPKS-USING THE CBEFM-LIFTING MY BUTT UP AFTER SEX" talk, that means my first day of last period was 16 days ago. Well, guess what? IT HASN'T STOPPED YET.

Okay, here comes the most humiliating things that I had to go through in my life. My Endo is now living in Mexico and being that I didn't want to wait until I found a new one, I called my campus Gyno. I had never been to the campus Gyno, but one of my friends recommended Dr. Rory. (Name has been changed to save this poor Dr. from the embarrassment I put them through.) Well, my friend was all, "I love Dr. Rory! Go in! Dr. Rory is the best!" For some reason, I thought this "famous" Dr. Rory was, well, a female. Call me old fashion, call me a feminist, call me mental, I just did. When I get to this famous Dr. Rory, out comes a male doctor. Not just, a male Doctor, but it's Doogie-freaking-Howser!!

This was my face->



After talking to him for about 10 minutes and answering the most absurd questions (does he really need to know if I'm not satisfied with my sex life?), he says the dreaded words... "I'm going to have to do a pelvic exam."

I ask him, "Really? But, I just told you I was on my period. I just told you there have been these crazy monster sized... TMI UP AHEAD SO SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU'RE EASILY GROSSED OUT!! WARNING! WARNING! blood clots that are scaring the b'jeebies out of me. Do you really, really have to look in Ladyville? I mean, REALLY?"

He assures me that he has seen it all, done these examinations before and blood doesn't bother him. He called the nurse and as she arrived, so did the extreme burst of color to my face. I felt such embarrassment. It's bad enough to have a pap exam done when Red Fred is not around, but when he's here and he's throwing big heavy luggage at you, then well, it's horrific.

Everything was going well. For a brief moment, famous Dr. Rory was all, "there's just a little blood" and going on his merry way. He asks, "Does this hurt? Do you feel pain when I press here?" Nothing. I felt nothing.

Then, there was SILENCE. Not like the kind of silence when you know your doctor is hard at work, trying to figure out what's going on... but the kind of silence that makes you worry. The kind of silence you imagine is going on when someone's deep in thought trying to figure out the cure for cancer.

Suddenly, I look up and see his face. It looked like this->



He stutters a little and says, TMI UP AHEAD SO SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU'RE EASILY GROSSED OUT!! WARNING! WARNING! "I see... I see what you mean about monster sized blood clots." The nurse and him suddenly go all a frenzy. He asks her for tissue or a pad, or a newspaper to clean up the bloody mess. (Okay, I just added the last one in there to see if you were listening.)

THEN, I could feel panic. Tissues were flying like something exploded and fab Dr. Rory was trying to keep it from getting all over the table. I can just see it now. He's like, "La la la la la. I'm doing my job." Then, "Holy sh*t Batman! What's that?!" *SPLAT!* Seriously. There was some SERIOUS patting of Ladyville. I felt SO ashamed that Red Fred decided to toss out some heavy luggage when fabulous Dr. Rory was exploring Ladyville, that I didn't even look up.

Not more than a few minutes later, Dr. Rory asks me to sit up and abandons ship. He slips off his gloves, but I can clearly see he's holding something in one of his hands and does NOT want to open it. I don't even ask. We were all a dozen shades of red.

I warned Dr. Rory, but nooooo. He wanted to go in there. He didn't believe me when I said it was a hot mess down there.

Needless to say, fabulous Dr. Rory was not-so-fabulous and I have an appointment on the 27th with a specialist. All that embarrassment just to be redirected to someone else. All he could positively tell me, from the results that come in from the blood test I had done earlier, was that my cholesterol levels were fine. Um... okay.

Thanks for the most embarrassing moment of my life, Dr. Rory. I hope it stays in your mind forever, because it sure as hell will stay in mine.

Monday Weigh-In

Okay, I had to make an important change today, I had to adjust my ticker. lol I had it set to the highest weight I've ever been, so it was reading that I've lost 15 pounds. Technically, I have lost 15 pounds, but not since I started losing the weight this last time! I adjusted it so it was 5.2 pounds less, so now, all the weight my ticket says I lost, is from the time I started low carbing. Anyways, I weighed myself today and although it's not the big weight loss I had last week, it's still something... and that's good enough for me!

I lost 2.4 pounds!

I'm proud of myself for keeping on with the low carbing, even though I feel like sh*t. AF has been here through ALL of my low carbing and I'm about ready to crawl under a rock and die!! I have an appointment with my doctor on Thursday, so we'll see how it goes. *Ugh*

Okay, okay, this is a MOnday Weigh-In, not a Monday whine-in, so everyone can continue their regularly scheduled program!

"When are you going to have a baby?"

Yesterday, I received an e-mail from one of my friends. I knew her baby shower was coming up and sure enough, it was an e-vite. In the invitation, it said, “Hello mommy friends! I’m so happy to know I’m now going to be in the club! Please come and share my happiness. I love you all so much and hope to see you here!” I scrolled down to see if there was a personal message, and sure enough, there was. It said, “You might be thinking, “This b*tch is crazy! I’m not a mom! She knows I’ve been trying to have a baby for years!” But in my heart Aymen, you are a mother. You take care of your niece as if she was your own and you give her all the love you have. A mother isn’t the person who has a child, a mother is one who raises them. And you, my beautiful friend, are the best one I’ve met. I love you dearly. I know being around pregnant women and moms makes you uncomfortable, but please come. YOU know what I’ve gone through and understand. It just would be the same without you.”

My eyes suddenly got all teary. I love my friend and she would know better than anyone about infertility. She too struggled for years to have a child and she finally became pregnant. The thought about being around women, who all, I’m positive, were going to talk about stinky diapers and the best stroller to get… well, I just know I couldn’t handle it. Not right now. Not while I’m so vulnerable.

Within the last 10 months, both my sister and my sister-in-law gave birth to baby boys. There’s Xavier, who’s got the most loving eyes and beautiful laughter. He’s the most handsome little guy I’ve ever met. I’m in love with him every time I see him. Then there’s Deven, who’s only 4 months old but is already starting to show his personality. The way his hair naturally goes up into a mohawk, the way he kicks his little feet when he’s in the swing. His little grin can light up anyone’s day. I’m in love with him every time I see him too. Although my love is enormous for them, my desire for a baby of my own is just as big.

My boyfriend Ernest and I have been trying to have a child for the past 6 years. I can’t even count the pregnancy test, the hundreds of ovulation prediction kits and the thousands of tears I’ve shared. A few year ago, my beautiful sassy niece came to live with us part time. Leila has been the brightest spot in my life. She makes me so unbelievably happy when she’s around and I can feel the love she has for us is enormous. I love her so much, but she’s not ours to keep. We share her with her parents. Although she is the biggest motivation for me to get up in the morning, my goal is not to raise her forever, but to return her to my sister one day. I have detached myself just enough, so that I won’t fall into a depression once she is gone. How horrible of me, I know. It’s my survival mechanism, the way I’ll cope.

Today, one of my Aunts came to visit us. She is one out of the two Aunts who doesn’t have PCOS (there’s 7 Aunts in total) and who has been able to have children with absolutely no help. She must have asked me at least four times, “When are you going to have a baby?” At first I was really cool with it. I’m 34, I get this asked A LOT. What I don’t get is the constant asking from the same person. Towards the end, I wanted to slip away and have a meltdown in my bedroom. But how was I suppose to leave my aunt all alone in my living room?

Suddenly, relief came in form of my mother. When I walked out to greet her, I whispered, “I’m going to kill her if she asked me when I’m going to have a baby.” My mom’s always been there for me and knows (to an extent) what I’ve gone through. Everyday, we grow closer, but it’s still hard to open myself up. Only a few people know what I’ve felt (such as my cousin Jerika), because they’ve felt it too. They felt the pain of my miscarriage and the sadness I feel with each BFN. My mom though, she’s forever the optimist. She’s so proud that I went back to school. She keeps reminding me that I don’t have to give birth to a child necessarily and that there are hundreds of kids out there who need a home. They need me probably just as much as I need them, in a way.

Within minutes, my mom was occupying my aunt’s time. Everything went smoothly after that. Thank God for my mother. No more “When are you going to have a baby” flying my way. At least for today.

It’s amazing how one question can have such an enormous impact on me and in my life. It brings out the most vulnerable side of me. The side I dare not show strangers.

As I sit here, all I can think about is my friend’s baby shower and how I felt when my aunt asked me that question. As much as I love my friend, I’m going to have to decline her invitation… at least that’s my decision for right now. If I couldn’t handle a nosy, pushy aunt, how am I suppose to handle a large group of women in a baby shower? Unless I just wear a shirt that says, “Ask me when I’m going to have a baby if you want to get punched in the face,” there’s just no way around that one powerful question.

My low carb menu for the past 8 days...

Day 1

• Breakfast - Atkin's shake.
• Lunch- Tuna salad with mayo.
• Dinner- Meatballs (made with ground beef, spicy sausage, small pieces of onion and egg), zucchini "spagetti" and a jicama salad.

Day 2

• Breakfast- 3 hard boiled eggs and an Atkin's shake an hour later.
• Lunch/Dinner- Steamed chicken, cream of mushroom soup (made with chicken broth instead of milk), Jicama, cucumber and baby tomatoes with lime.

Day 3

• Breakfast- Scrambled eggs topped with green beans cooked in butter, jicama and cucumbers with lime and a tall glass of water.
• Lunch- Grilled cheese sandwich (made from low carb bread and two pieces of cheese), Jicama and cucumbers with lime and a tall glass of water.
• Dinner- Atkin's shake.

Day 4

• Breakfast- Low carb bread, spread with peanut butter. A plate with jicama lightly sweetened with Splenda and a tall glass of water.
• Lunch- A burrito made with a low carb tortilla, mayo, scrambled eggs and grilled hot dog slices. A tall glass of water.
• Dinner- Jicama, cucumbers and baby tomatoes with lime and a little bit of salt.
• Snack-Atkin's shake.

Day 5

• Breakfast- 3 Hard boiled eggs.
• Snack- Jicama.
• Lunch- Vinegared pork with hot sauce and a Diet Rite.
• Dinner- Atkin's shake.

Day 6

• Breakfast- 3 Hard boiled eggs.
• Snack- Atkin's shake.
• Lunch- Sandwich made with mayo, cheddar cheese, tomato, lettuce and low carb bread. A Diet Rite.
• Dinner- Not very hungry- Small pieces of cheddar cheese with a Diet Rite.

Day 7

• Breakfast- Cooked pork rinds in home made salsa and a bit of tomato sauce, 1 1/2 low carb tortillas and a Diet Rite.
• Snack- "Milky Jello" (Sugar-free jello made with two cups of heavy cream instead of two cups of cold water) with whipped cream.
• Lunch- Jicama and cucumbers with lime.
• Dinner- 2 Atkin's shakes.
• Snack- Beef Jerky.

Day 8 - Today 4/12/10

• Breakfast- French toast (1 low carb bread with one egg butter) topped with peanut butter sauce (peanut butter, a small amount of heavy cream and a bit of Splenda), decaf coffee with Splenda and a dash of heavy cream.
• Snack: Atkin's shake
• Lunch/Dinner: Open faced cheddar sandwich with mayo, olives
• Snack: Beef Jerky

Monday Weigh-In

I can't be on here long because I'm getting Leila ready for school, but I'm really happy with what the scale said. All my hard work paid off! I'm so happy I got the low carb bread and low carb tortillas because I didn't feel deprived AT ALL. So, here's the weight loss for the week!!

I lost 7.2 pounds!

I know this won't be a constant weight loss number, but I'm still stoked! I hope this keeps me motivated to keep on going strong. :)

My motivation to lose weight...

After many rounds of Clomid, we were recently told our next step is to move into the Femara world. I can't say that I'm excited about this new adventure. In fact, I'm so exhausted of taking so many fertility pills, the side effects and the headaches. Mentally, physically and emotionally, I feel I just can't do it. I decided soon after the word "Femara" came up to put TTC on hold, so I can get myself together, become healthy once again and lose weight.

The first time I became pregnant, I did it after losing about 25 pounds. I wasn't as heavy back then as I was now, so a 25 pound loss was significant. He/she was unplanned but very much wanted. Soon after finding out I was pregnant, I lost the baby. I was so hurt, but since I didn't even know I was pregnant and hadn't formed a connection with him/her yet, the grieving period was brief.

Then in 2003, I became pregnant again after losing about 30 pounds, but unfortunately lost the baby at 12 weeks. (Apparently, the baby stopped growing at 9 weeks.) I was well aware of this pregnancy, had seen the baby in an ultrasound and had already grown to love him/her. Soon after my D & C, I fell into a depression and gained back the weight plus more.

I think it's more than a coincidence that both times I lost significant weight, I became pregnant. I decided to try to lose weight once more and get myself healthy to hopefully become pregnant again, on my own, without fertility medication. This time I am also on Metformin, to possibly help with miscarriages.

How do I plan to lose the weight? Well, I've tried eating low fat for a few months but I wasn't losing much, if any weight. That's when I realized then that eating low fat helps me maintains my weight. I am insulin resistant and for some reason, low carbing is the only way I can lose the weight... so low carbing it is.

Tomorrow is my "weigh-in" day. I will come and post how much weight I've lost as soon as I find out.

You can follow my low carb, weight loss journey if you follow me on Twitter. Just click on the "Follow Me On Twitter" picture to the right of my blog. :)

First Post. Intro to my fertility issues.

I was officially diagnosed with PCOS in May 1998, after a m/c with my Ex Husband. Although I didn't know the name of what I had, I knew I had it since I was young. PCOS runs in my family and 5 out of 7 of my Aunt's from my Mother's side (in addition to my Mom) have it, although many have never had it offically diagnosed.

I've had two m/c's, one in 6/98 and one in 9/03. I was unaware I was pregnant the first time, but I had already grown to love the second baby. My 2nd m/c was very traumatic for me and hard because EJ was in Iraq during it, but we got through it and here we are, ttc once again.

The last doctor I visited suggested that I lose weight (about 30 pounds) before I begin TTC. I decided to finally follow his advice and start low carbing. Today is my 7th day of low carbing and it's been going great. I'm hoping to continue it until I lose enough weight were I would feel comfortable switching over to a low-fat diet, to maintain my weight. Because of my insulin resistance, low carbing has been the only way I've been able to lose weight, so I'm sticking to it!

I had another TTC journal that I had for the last few years, but I noticed I was negative on it from start to finish, so I decided to delete it and start a new. After much thinking and praying, I feel the motivation and strenght to start all over again...