"Red Fred Strikes Again"

You know what I hate most about having PCOS? The "randomness that is my body". The "never being able to get close enough to people, or let anyone touch my face because there is hair where there need not be any". The "never being able to wear white pants because I never know when Red Fred is going to stick his ugly head in". The "constant wondering if I'm pregnant and peeing on a dozen sticks and getting nothing but Big Fat Negatives (BFN), then waiting a few days and getting the itch to pee on a dozen more pregnancy test, just in case the first dozen were WRONG". The "being a lot heavier than my sister, who is not only 5 times smaller, but eats like a starved pig". The... okay, I'll stop.

Today, I had to go through the most humiliating thing EVER. I've had a reverse period. You know, you start off light and then it gets all, "Holy crap! Who opened the flood gates?!" as it goes alone. I'm on CD16. For those of you who don't talk "I'M-CONSUMED-WITH-GETTING-PREGNANT-SO I'M CHARTING-DOING OPKS-USING THE CBEFM-LIFTING MY BUTT UP AFTER SEX" talk, that means my first day of last period was 16 days ago. Well, guess what? IT HASN'T STOPPED YET.

Okay, here comes the most humiliating things that I had to go through in my life. My Endo is now living in Mexico and being that I didn't want to wait until I found a new one, I called my campus Gyno. I had never been to the campus Gyno, but one of my friends recommended Dr. Rory. (Name has been changed to save this poor Dr. from the embarrassment I put them through.) Well, my friend was all, "I love Dr. Rory! Go in! Dr. Rory is the best!" For some reason, I thought this "famous" Dr. Rory was, well, a female. Call me old fashion, call me a feminist, call me mental, I just did. When I get to this famous Dr. Rory, out comes a male doctor. Not just, a male Doctor, but it's Doogie-freaking-Howser!!

This was my face->



After talking to him for about 10 minutes and answering the most absurd questions (does he really need to know if I'm not satisfied with my sex life?), he says the dreaded words... "I'm going to have to do a pelvic exam."

I ask him, "Really? But, I just told you I was on my period. I just told you there have been these crazy monster sized... TMI UP AHEAD SO SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU'RE EASILY GROSSED OUT!! WARNING! WARNING! blood clots that are scaring the b'jeebies out of me. Do you really, really have to look in Ladyville? I mean, REALLY?"

He assures me that he has seen it all, done these examinations before and blood doesn't bother him. He called the nurse and as she arrived, so did the extreme burst of color to my face. I felt such embarrassment. It's bad enough to have a pap exam done when Red Fred is not around, but when he's here and he's throwing big heavy luggage at you, then well, it's horrific.

Everything was going well. For a brief moment, famous Dr. Rory was all, "there's just a little blood" and going on his merry way. He asks, "Does this hurt? Do you feel pain when I press here?" Nothing. I felt nothing.

Then, there was SILENCE. Not like the kind of silence when you know your doctor is hard at work, trying to figure out what's going on... but the kind of silence that makes you worry. The kind of silence you imagine is going on when someone's deep in thought trying to figure out the cure for cancer.

Suddenly, I look up and see his face. It looked like this->



He stutters a little and says, TMI UP AHEAD SO SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU'RE EASILY GROSSED OUT!! WARNING! WARNING! "I see... I see what you mean about monster sized blood clots." The nurse and him suddenly go all a frenzy. He asks her for tissue or a pad, or a newspaper to clean up the bloody mess. (Okay, I just added the last one in there to see if you were listening.)

THEN, I could feel panic. Tissues were flying like something exploded and fab Dr. Rory was trying to keep it from getting all over the table. I can just see it now. He's like, "La la la la la. I'm doing my job." Then, "Holy sh*t Batman! What's that?!" *SPLAT!* Seriously. There was some SERIOUS patting of Ladyville. I felt SO ashamed that Red Fred decided to toss out some heavy luggage when fabulous Dr. Rory was exploring Ladyville, that I didn't even look up.

Not more than a few minutes later, Dr. Rory asks me to sit up and abandons ship. He slips off his gloves, but I can clearly see he's holding something in one of his hands and does NOT want to open it. I don't even ask. We were all a dozen shades of red.

I warned Dr. Rory, but nooooo. He wanted to go in there. He didn't believe me when I said it was a hot mess down there.

Needless to say, fabulous Dr. Rory was not-so-fabulous and I have an appointment on the 27th with a specialist. All that embarrassment just to be redirected to someone else. All he could positively tell me, from the results that come in from the blood test I had done earlier, was that my cholesterol levels were fine. Um... okay.

Thanks for the most embarrassing moment of my life, Dr. Rory. I hope it stays in your mind forever, because it sure as hell will stay in mine.